Christmas Trees? In September?? Getting ready for holiday shopping (blech).

Okay. So on Wednesday night after we closed at Retail Hell, my part time job from Hades, I noticed that they were cleaning out all the items in the back to school area (you know, clip lamps, disco balls, and those half chair/pillow thingies) and putting up a new display.

What ever could it be?

Christmas Trees.

Are you freaking kidding me? It's not even Thanksgiving yet! And then on Thursday--they were decorated. With the most god-awful looking shit. Whoever came up with the fake white tree needs to be killed. It's just tacky.

Yes. Tacky. And if you like them..well. I think you know my feelings on this matter.

This. This IS the reason I don't like Christmas. In fact, I would say it is my all time LEAST favorite holiday. Why? It's involves too much money, too much stress--and really, no one's happy when it's finished. It's "work". And it's not that I have anything against Christmas trees and twinkle lights..I don't per se...but is it December? Then WALK AWAY FROM THE EVERGREEN. There is only one exception to this rule--and that is Carmen's tree. One, because it is so pretty and Two, because she enjoys it so much. This isn't cheap wal-mart ornaments thrown up just so you can say the tree is done...it's the real deal. Fancy enough for a magazine and doesn't lose it's charm? Now that's what I call a Christmas tree!

But I digress.

What the monster trees signify is the beginning of the Holiday Shopping Season. (Dear whoever may be listening..I re-vamped my resume...please, please, please make it that I'm not working at Retail Hell during the Holidays. I already have issues pretending to be nice to these pigs we call customers.) So, here are some helpful tips to keep yourself from being beaten to death by a retail minion such as yours truly:

1) This is NOT an option. Are you checking out? Then get off the effing phone. We need to share information with you..like your credit card has been declined. Which is hard to do if you are yakking to your buddy about your raging yeast infection (welcome to my Wednesday night of fun this week--I'm not even joking) that just won't clear up. Maybe if you didn't talk on the phone so much, you would have money to pay your bill? Just a thought. Oh..and for the record--if it's been more than two weeks and it burns when you pee? It's sooo not a yeast infection.

2) They are called Dressing Rooms not Restrooms and it's only legal to drop trou in one of them. Do you know which one?? Let me help: If you open up a door to go in--and there's not a white porcelain seat waiting for you--then keep your pants up and move on. There are lots of loverly sales associates such as myself that would be glad to point you in the right direction.

3) Speaking of dressing rooms....did you take those clothes in there wadded up, inside out, and in a giant pile? No? Gosh, I thought that's how we kept them on the sales floor! Kidding aside--we keep a fricking cart right by the door. That you have to walk by. To leave the dressing room. It's there for you to hang your unwanted items on. It's not like we ask you to put them back where you got them...god forbid you have to walk an extra two feet! You can be as nasty as you want in your own home, but for the love of my sanity--these ARE NOT YOUR CLOTHES SO PICK THEM UP YOU LAZY PIGS.

4)I'm sorry, but your table's not ready...because you're in a department store. Look..I don't care if you have a quick nibble of a snack when you are walking around. I understand some people are professionals--prepared with energy bars, bottles of water, etc in their bags to get them through a long day of shopping. That said, this is not the place for your nine year old to eat out of a bucket of chicken. Or thrown the bones on the floor. Or smear mashed potatoes and gravy all over my freshly folded jean table. Yes--please use four hundred dollars worth of denim as a napkin...I mean--what else could it possibly be there for?

5)Did you walk in with that stuffed Tigger? No? Then it's not yours? Could you please explain to me then why you are blowing your nose on it? Not only is this stealing--it's just nasty. But not as nasty as THROWING SNOT COVERED TIGGER BACK UP ON A DISPLAY BED! Seriously y'all. You can by a travel pack of Kleenex for something like $0.50--not exactly breaking the bank. And--they will fit in daddy's pocket! See? Snot problem solved. We even have trash cans we will gladly let you throw the used ones away in. We're givers that way.

6) Is that child who blew it's nose on Tigger yours? So you're the idiot who thinks I have nothing else to do besides baby-sit your kids? Interesting. And when you laugh when they do things like tear up displays, blow their nose on things, pee in dressing rooms, and run around like little animals--it makes us want to kill you slowly in front of your children just to see them cry. I have never been so grateful for my own birth control in my entire life. This place may just render me completely sterile. Bratty kids are all I see. I've been kicked, screamed at, things thrown at me, and knocked down all while the little bastard's parents watched. It's not funny, it's not okay--and the next time a six year old kicks me--I'm filing assault charges. Hope you like jail you little shit..I have a feeling you'll be spending lots and lots of time there.

So please--take these things into consideration next time you're out and about gearing up for the upcoming onslaught of retail mayhem. Trust me--it will make all of us much happier when it's all said and done!

Happy Friday!!