I am a power washing GODDESS!

Okay...so last week I got a bug up my butt about cleaning up the outside of my condo. We are supposed to be power washed every year, but that hasn't happened in the last three. "Why is that?" you ask? Because there are a bunch of idiots who live here who don't realize that it actually is important to pay your association fees on time. Like every month. Duh.

I am also on the hunt for matching paint to touch up the outside trim--but have not had much luck with one exception...and it even has a fun name: Route 66. If it's not the same color it's pretty damn close, so that's what I'm going with, but have been told I need to wait to do this until Fall. Argh. Oh well..guess that at least gives me time to get everything scraped and ready.

But I digress-- back to the power washing.

I bought a hose (on sale for only $4.97!!!), deck cleaner, and house cleaning stuff and a hose to sink attachment. I was all set to go, tried to attach the hose to the sink and...

No dice.

Are you serious? Freaking A.

So what's a girl to do?

Steal the neighbor's hose, that's what. And proceed to spend an hour outside hosing down the stairs, the decking, and the siding of the condo.

And it was glorious...

I smell slightly of chlorine and have the happiness that comes with starting a project--and then finishing it (something that seems to be a rarity in my family).

Oh--and I sort of did the whole building. Once got started I couldn't seem to stop.

You're welcome people in A and B...you so owe me.

Dream Therapy?

More like a freaking nightmare.

I'll leave it to you to figure out what in the freak the following means (and note to self: No more late night chili dinners!)

So I'm driving in my car (my new car), and suddenly it just won't go. Or will only sort of go. And this big scary light with a mocking frowny face pops up on the dash telling me the transmission is dead.

(Trust me--this is nightmare enough for me...super duper scary all by itself.)

So I have to walk to my doctor's appointment (I have no idea where this takes place, by the way), and when I look down, I notice that I'm pregnant.

Very, very pregnant.

Apparently--with twins.

Guess who the babies daddy is? Jonah Hill.

Not even kidding. And not the "real" Jonah Hill. More like it looked like Jonah Hill, sounded like Jonah Hill, but was most likely more like a character he's played in a movie or something.

Oh dear lord...this was the scariest thing ever. I woke up in a panic almost screaming. Really universe? This is what you are throwing at my subconscious? Why? Don't I deserve better than a broken down car and babies I probably couldn't afford to feed and FREAKING JONAH HILL?!?

On a happier note, I just finished an awesome book--Mennonite in a Little Black Dress. People should totally check it out...as Rhoda Janzen is quirky, smart, and really funny. (Hopefully I can still say the same for me when I'm 43, but without having a husband who leaves me for a guy named Bob that he met on gay.com. Intrigued? Seriously--pick this puppy up!)

So hopefully tonight I will have sweet dreams that do not involve car repairs or being knocked up. Honestly? I would prefer pure blank, bliss.

So wake up noggin and take note: only good things, please? Thanks!

They're here! They are finally here!!

You can mock me, but today is a happy day for this patio gardener: I have tomatoes!

Yes--that is plural.

And yes, they are tiny and green and not all that impressive, and you can mock or make fun, but I am most impressed with myself. So let me tell you why:

1) The plant is not only still alive, but obviously well taken care of. (Sort of. I think the cage I bought is too small so I will have to tie my plant to my patio. Yes, I'm aware of how jank tastic this will look. Suck it.)

2) Did I mention that the plant is still alive?

3) This is the first time in six years that my plan for edible plants on my back patio has worked!! I'd probably have bumper crops if I had a real plot of land to plant. (Ummm. Apparently someone wants to be a farmer now. And yes--this getting close to nature frightens me a bit. Maybe that desire for a shaggy pony when I was a kid was foreshadowing a love of a more rural landscape. Okay, who am I fooling? I STILL want a pony. And a beagle. Named Whitey Ford.)

4) Again--the plant is still alive!

Now before I get too vainglorious, I should note that my cilantro died and I have yet to have a pepper, but who cares?

I've got tomatoes!!

And I'm a big dork for being so happy about it.

What's gotten in to me?

Not quite sure, actually. I've felt the need to cook.

A lot.

And most of it revolves around summer squash. You know--yellow crook necked and zucchini. Mostly zucchini. It's like I could eat my weight in it every day. It's so much more yummy than I remembered it being, buttery and delicious....okay. I'm starting to get a little excited about eating my lunch.

Yup. It's got zucchini it there..happy days.

Let's see, Monday there was zucchini with pork slow roasted in the oven, and it was devine. Lucky me that the cranberry and vodka chasers I had as dessert seemed to be a nice compliment. And guess who will be eating left overs tonight? Lucky me!!! (Tuesday there was happiness from Thai Spice with Carmen--except in their new location, I felt like a giant in the tiny little chairs. Trust me, I find most airplane seats to be roomy, so if I say a chair is tiny--it's freaking microscopic.) Last night, I decided that what I wanted more than anything else was a roast drenched in red wine sauce with root vegetables and mashed potatoes (and yes, I'm aware that it's not November. That's what AC is for. Really.). And since my dining companion doesn't dig at all on mushrooms (which makes me so very sad for her, by the way), I pondered what else could I put in my Le Creuset knock off (that was still almost !100 bucks!--but an excellent investment) with the onions and carrots and garlic.

Zucchini.

And it was so very good...angels wept. Okay, maybe not, but it's a nice visual nonetheless.

And lucky me gets to eat more today--and sometime soon in the future, too as the rest went in the freezer.

What does this say about me, I wonder?

Actually, who cares--because I'm well fed right now, and that's all that matters.

Travels, SATC--and Bonk!!

Yes, yes..I've been lazy.

But I've also been a travelin' down to Dixie to help Beth get on her way to California. Hopefully I was of some use although sometimes I feel like bad luck locusts seem to follow me wherever I go. Let's hope not for the sanity of others, shall we?

So what's new, what's new? Got gypped on a financial matter (Thanks--thanks so much by the way. I'm forever grateful I've plodded away for THIS. Ha.), so there's that. Always fun times! So the re-doing of my bedroom will have to wait a bit longer. Especially since I have to cough up like 300 bucks to go to Florida for work in a few weeks. (Side note: who plans to go to Florida on purpose in late June/early July? Don't even get me started on this. I swear it's because they want us to feel like we are in Hell.)

In much more fun things--I saw SATC 2 recently.

Um. So not what I expected. Way too long (If I have to take a pee break--it's too damn long. I have the bladder of a freaking camel--not kidding.), way too over dramatic ("I'm going to tell him! AND then be surprised that he's mad at me!" Sobbing follows.), just too MUCH. And I loved the first movie--I really did.

SJP and company: please do not make another movie. Please do not ruin Carrie and Big for me. Let me have the fantasy....please? Let me think it can turn out to be everything I want and more. (Okay--what I want is Big AND Aidan. They can rotate days--brilliant, eh? What? Don't judge me!)

And for other media...I read a fantastic book recently. But, learn from me grasshoppers--perhaps the airport is not the best place for this one. Unless you don't mind people moving their children away from you. Lucky me--I don't.

It's Bonk by Mary Roach...of Stiff fame. (Have you NOT read Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers? Shame on you!! Pick it up today. Or the audio book is excellent, too. Loved it.Click here to learn more about it: Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers). Bonk, on the other hand, is about the science of being..well...how shall I say it...sexy? Okay, that does not do this book justice---at all. But it does go into a lot of detail about why we do what we do with our naughty bits. And the stories of the scientists (and freakshows...for sure) who were brave enough (or just plain bat-shit bonkers) to go public with their research. Trust me--it's NOT boring. It's even funny. Just check out the link. Please, please, please Mary Roach--write more soon?

And thanks to Carmen, now I've got to get caught up on my Christopher Moore reading. I think a list of my all time favorite's will have to be done sooner than later--but I will save that for another day.

As well as my lust for True Blood.

It's true kids: I've got no shame left.

The indignity of disposable underpants

Um yes...you read correctly.

Today I am sporting some bruises (from a blown out vein), welts (from medical tape), and an altogether grumpy self.

All thanks to outpatient surgery.

And no, since I'm allergic to codeine, I have no good drugs, either. Just super-duper Ibuprofen. And it's not really touching squat at this point.

I won't bore you with the medical details of the 'why', but I can entertain you with the idiocy that ensues when I go anywhere.

I get to the hospital, check in, talk to the nurse and am told to disrobe and put on this purple (Sweet! My favorite color!) gown. That is giant. How giant? I wrapped it around me twice and tied it in the front...that's how giant. (And I'm not the smallest person on the planet kids..I've seen grown people much smaller than yours truly.) And blue no slip socks.

Blue? Wait a second.....this clashes with my purple gown. (And just by luck, I had on a purple headband, so from the knees up..I looked as put together as one could in hospital garb.) Not just clashes..it just looks stupid. Leave it to me to ask if there was another color of sock available.

Nope. Not kidding.

And nope. There weren't.

That's when the disposable underpants come into play.

And these, my friends, are truly GIANT. Like you could park a mack truck in these bad boys. But you gotta do what you gotta do, so on they went much to my chagrin.

Oh! And did I mention the blazing migraine headache that had been bouncing about in my skull since 6 am? That I couldn't take any medication for? Yea..that was awesome, too.

So my IV gets placed (twice...see above for that blown vein reference), I try to sleep for an hour (not) in a darkened room, but my head--oi! It wouldn't stop. Hospitals, it would seem, are NOT the place to go to get caught up on your rest. Thank god my anesthesiologist is a fellow migraine sufferer, and took pity on me. I got caffeine with my narcotics! This, people, is something I highly recommend. I woke up in a good mood, sans headache, and ready to go. No kidding! (This is much better than the last time when all I did was cry and pretty much punched a nurse in the face. Ooops...)

Well, sort of ready to go. I'm still feeling kind of icky, but I'll live. Trust me, I've felt WAY worse than this.

But the idea that perfect strangers saw me in mismatched hospital clothes and NO makeup (I wasn't even allowed mascara! Cruel, cruel people!!) with scary stretchy mesh underpants? That's the stuff my nightmares are made of!

What a way to end the week!

So.

I feel violated. Sooooo violated.

Some ass-hat stole my phone. From work. From right behind me.

Did I mention I was WORKING at the time. Stupid, stupid asshole.

The only good thing to come of this? My new replacement phone should be here no later than Tuesday. (Customer Loyalty still does get you some things...and even without insurance, I don't have to pay for a new phone.) That only leaves me driving one day to FC without my phone. (I really don't like to drive far without one. It has saved my cookies more than once!) The bad thing? I've lost all my numbers. All of them.

Which sucks butt.

Oh well. I guess I should be grateful they didn't go into the office and steal my wallet, too! And I deactivated  the phone, so it can't be used at all for anything. So ha ha sucker! And since that serial number has been reported as stolen, you can't pawn it either. Boo-yah.

Lesson learned--Trust no one.

Especially people in ill-fitting "dress" clothes.