Okay--this is almost embarrassing to admit, but I love wandering through those Dollar Tree type stores (Where EVERYTHING is a dollar!). Having a bad day? Want to feel better about yourself? Get thee to the dollar store!
Let me say--there are certain things I'm kind of cheap about. Trash bags are one of them. Why should I spend 10.00 on 40 bags that I am just going to THROW AWAY! It is literally throwing money away. So I buy cheap trash bags, sue me. Sometimes you can get lucky and find useful things, too. But mostly junk. I don't really condone buying canned goods (one, you can get store brand cheaper at the grocery store dummies, two, most of it comes from outside of the US where health/safety factors may not be as strict) at such a place. Or a pregnancy test.
Don't worry. We'll get back to that one in a minute.
And that whole feeling better about yourself? Absolutely! Last time I was there, they had pink sharpie markers (which I LOVE) and so I was buying one or two with my trash bags when I am nearly run over by this overly made up blond amazon in a shredded CSI t-shirt barely hanging on by one shoulder and jeans so tight I'm shocked she could bend over. The blond is stocking up on some outdated mascara and bonnie bell lip gloss (Yes--sometimes you can get brand name stuff here-that's part of the fun. You never know what in the hell you are going to find...). I look down at this person's feet: Gnarly!! Ugh. Grody toenails (which make me GAG faster than anything else) and ginormous feet in ugly Jesus sandals! I thought this poor girl needs a pedi pronto and then looked up at "her" face.
"She" was no girl, but a 16 to 18 year old boy with a bleached blond bob, Tammy Faye mascara, bright blue eyeliner (ooooohhh, Princess Di is rolling in her grave), a five o'clock shadow, and hot pink lipstick. Like hot pink lipstick I wore playing dress up in 1986. Oh. Dear. Lord. Oh how did I happen to stumble upon this fantastic find?!?! I was deliriously excited as he/she had attitude like no other. While paying for his goodies, his phone rang...he answered with this: "Hey Sexy! Wait. Why aren't you talking like normal. What? Are you around your stupid football friends? Are you ashamed of me? I swear to God, this is the last time I'm meeting up with you if you don't buy me more stuff to make up for it!" This last part was almost not heard by humans because it was so high pitched. I'm sure there were dogs losing their minds a few blocks over in Meadowood. I'm also quite sure his secret jock high school boyfriend would die if any of his friends knew he was hitting a Malibu Ken doll.
With grody feet.
There was a pause in the screeching, and then he must have been placated because he made kissy noises in to the phone and promised to meet his "love" later that night.
Barf. (This is how I feel about anyone making an ass of themselves by making the above noises and using pet names in public places where others can hear. Listen up "babies" talking to your "sugars"--that's none of my damn business! I don't want to know, nor do I care. I also don't want to vomit.)
The best part of this scenario? The little old lady in front of me who clearly needed glasses. Why? Cause she turned to me and said "She'll never get a husband if she keeps painting herself up like that. Why she looks like a floozy!"
Seriously people--does it get any better??
Yes. Yes it does.
As I was paying $3.21 for my markers and trash bags, this dude who looked like he had just crawled out from under a dump truck came and stood behind me to ask the cashier:
"Do y'all sell pregnancy testing sticks?"
ha ha ah ah ah hahahahahahahahhaahhaha
Okay. I didn't laugh at the time, but I barely made it out the door because the look on the girl's face was priceless. It radiated "Dear God--someone had sex with you on PURPOSE?!? I have to admit I had the same feelings, but I was even more shocked by her answer:
"Um. Yes. On aisle six."
So there you go kids--if you are ever in a pinch and want to know if there's a baby involved and are low on cash, no worries.
Just head to the dollar store : )
But don't say I didn't warn you when that test tells you you're birthing a pair of pandas.
awesome!!!
ReplyDelete--Paty