Baby Games....

Okay.

A few months back, I agreed (with no hesitation, mind you) to assist with my dear, dear cousin's baby shower coming up this Saturday.

I pulled game duty. I usually like making snacks or something--but considering there may be 75 people or so there--I think games are just fine by me.

So...my first idea was a baby obsticle course. How fast can you change a diaper? Put clothes on them? Get a kid in a car seat? Get them out of the car seat? I thought it would be fantastic to see people running around like fools. But..apparently, the elderly and the overweight don't like to run.

Or, more likely, the place we are having the baby shower doesn't want any law suits brought against them for when 80 year old ladies bite it on the church carpet.

Oh well. C'est la vie. If I am ever lucky enough (no--this is not said sarcastically) reproduce? This is the kind of farce I want at my baby shower. Please--and I know there are some of you out there who love me enough to do this--make it so.

So. I went with the much safer Baby Food game (pick twelve kinds of baby food--make sure pairs of them look alike. Make people guess which is which). The hardest part of the baby food game? You try finding 12 kinds of baby food that look alike. That don't have meat in them (BARF). Guess who will be having vegetarian offspring...until they can chew their own damn meat, anyway.

So. Right now I have eight jars. I think I'm going to have to broaden my search and go to a few more stores. Maybe tonight if I buy baby food with my cat food--people won't give me that shameful "Oh..you're a single girl. With cats." stare.

My second game is going to be sort of a Baby themed Price is Right. Fun, right? A friend of mine likes this game because it reinforces just how expensive babies are "And if you are freaked out by how much one basket of crap costs? You shouldn't be having any kids!" (And yes-I'm a firm believer if you can't feed yourself--you have NO DAMN BUSINESS reproducing. It's called an IUD. Go get one. I think the state should even pay for it if you already popped one out that you can't afford...Seriously--that's really how I would like my tax dollars to work. Not. Kidding.)

So. I'm explaing the above fun time to my mom. Dear. Mother. Sigh. Please enjoy the following e-mail exchange:

Me: I think one of my games is going to be "Baby Price is Right!" So, if you want to go in on the gift basket idea, I will pick up stuff for the game--and it can be part of our presents. Sound good? That way, you don't have to worry about getting anything else. Sound good??

Mom: I have never heard of the guess the price game. How does it work? (Really?? Mom...really?)

Me: You have items---and people have to guess how much they cost. The person who ends up with the total closes to what the items actually cost, wins the prize.

Carmen likes this game because it shows how expensive babies are. So if you can't afford them--you shouldn't have them : )

Mom:  So do you put Baby items in the basket? 

Me: No..I thought I would find some crack. Maybe a hooker? Or do you think a hooker is too much? Hmm. Maybe a blow up doll, instead.  And do you think condoms would be in bad taste?

Mom: WHAT?!?!

Me: Hey--crazy lady. Of course you put baby things in a basket. Geesh.

And you guys wonder why I'm nuts.

Cat Scratch Fever!!

Oh...fuzzy butts. Is there anything better than after a long hard day coming home to be adored and fawned over by your pet?

If you answered yes to the above--clearly you have a dog.

Me? That's not how I roll. I like to be ignored...until I prove to be useful. You know--when it's time to eat. This is why I have cats.

I guess I should be grateful the boys don't have thumbs in the traditional sense. It would be like living with two tiny, yet incredibly piggy, men.

I complain about them, but they are, actually, pretty nice to have around.

Until they aren't. (I hear this is how most people feel about their spouses, so it must be perfectly normal when you cohabitate with someone to have this "I adore you...please die" dichotomy.)

Right now, sweet, sweet Bernie Williams is covered in nastiness. He's got flea scabs. (OHMYGODYESITISASGROSSASITSOUNDS!!!) I've already taken him to the vet once for this..and it was $170.00.

Let that sink in.

Let me also state--I do not have fleas in my house. Yogi does not have fleas. Bernie doesn't have fleas. It's one random bite that a little booger gets in before their Advantage can kill the bastard off.

One. Bite.

And my cat is covered in scabs. *Shudder* Which is why he's kind of gross to be around right now. And of course, he's the snuggler. If I'm on the couch, he wants to be on my lap. If I'm in bed, he wants to poke his paw in my face every now and again and then curl back up at my feet. (I'm pretty sure they both do this off and on through out the night just to make sure I'm alive. Not because they care about me, don't be fooled, but because they are counting on breakfast.)

So. Since this girl certainly does NOT have another at least 100 bucks to blow, she decided to go homeopathic.

A bath seemed like a great idea.

An oatmeal bath. You know, the kind you give kids when they have chicken pox? Or people with poison ivy? Yeah..it sounded like a great idea.

Until Bernie morphed into the Prince of Darkness himself and tried to rip my face off.

So, after several attempts (and a kitchen covered in cat fur and oatmeal bath), I gave up. I admitted defeat.

I got my ass handed to me by a twelve pound ball of fur.

If that doesn't make you feel like an asshat, I don't know what will.

Happy note?? Oh--you have to check out http://www.girlonguy.net/!! I LOVE Aisha Tyler. Now maybe you will too. I feel like I am her shorter, less pigmented twin. Check out her podcasts and you will learn little nuggets like YES!! They are working on Archer Season 3!!

It kind of makes up for last night.

Sort of.

Taking my life in YOUR hands? Yikes!

So..

Everyday I commute. Everyday, for almost five years I have driven approximately 90 miles a day Mon-Fri. This is not only financially draining, but it also has caused me to pass harsh judgments on people because of the 1) types of cars they drive and 2) the types of plates they put on their cars.

I hate being this way--but stereotypes exist for a reason. Because there is more than a bit of truth involved. I ride in a half ton, partially steel, potential death trap hurtling 70 mph down the interstate. Trust me, I want to be aware of my surroundings. And what potentially may fly off of your POS with the hazard blinkers on.

So---I have to start with:

People who drive Hummers--yeah. They ARE assholes. Go figure! And they usually have personalized plates. In Indiana, where this costs a premium, having personalized plates pretty much also guarantees that you are, in fact, an asshole. Especially when they only make sense to the person driving the car. They are like weird word games, these stupid plates. And I suck at word games. Probably why I loathe these so much.

And why are people still driving Hummers, anyway? You might as well use your cash money for fuel. No--really. Just put a big pile of it in your fireplace...and burn it. Much more cost effective. And I hear money gives off such a nice homey glow when in burns. Hmm...pretty.

(please note: you can replace Hummer with any of the following make of vehicle: Porshe, Maserati, Ferrari, vintage Mustang, Giant Dodge Diesel trucks with Hemis, and oddly enough, Infinity)

I also am weary of anyone who has parts of their car taped on (yes--you read that right. Taped. On.) who insist on getting on the interstate. I'm sorry, if you are that poor, should you really be driving? I'm sure you have friends you could ride with.

Oh wait. Parts of your car are taped on. I bet I am so very wrong about you having friends....sorry!

And if you have a pick up--please, please, please--check in the back every once and while. While I really do enjoy the occasional shit bath my car gets from your garbage flying out of the back of your truck, I really could live with out it. It's just too special of a treat for you to share with a perfect stranger. No. Really. You should hold onto that for yourself.

My next peeve...those ridiculous "Kids First" plates. Give these (mostly ladies) wide berth on the road. You see, they are far too busy talking on their cell phones, facebooking, or just otherwise ignoring the children in the back of the car who are drooling like zombies to some Disney film they've seen for the ten thousandth time. (Why have kids if you don't talk to them? Or engage them one on one? I understand sometimes these innovations come in handy--but you know what? I actually remember my parents talking to me in the car when I was a kid. And road trips--we *gasp* played games! Or I read a book--which is way better for the development of your kid's brain, anyway. Yes! Even picture books are BETTER THAN TV. And if they whine? Well...last time I checked, smacking your kid wasn't illegal. Yet. Enjoy it while it lasts.)

Oh! And those kids aren't the only people these classy ladies are ignoring. These soul-less mombots also are ignoring YOU. They don't care if you have the right away--they have to confirm their manicure, their pilates class, summer sleep away camp for the monsters in the back....something is more important that actually driving. I sometimes imagine they think they've been teleported, crossover and all, to their final destination. I've actually had to lay on my horn  (Which I now cannot do---because the fuse has been removed to save me from my neighbors murdering me at 3 am when the damn alarm goes off...again. And again. And again.) when I was almost backed into--but I was the one who had to throw it in reverse and pray there was no one behind me to keep from getting hit. She didn't look. I was right in my disgust (and right of way). She flipped me the bird and screamed the C word out of her window. And yes--her cherubs were right there in the backseat.

Next: In God We Trust plates.

You. You people. Let me tell you something...so listen up.

You believe in God? Yeah for you! Guess what?

He's not in the car with you. What does this mean? It means you should maybe use your turn signal, look before you merge, pay attention to what lane you are actually driving in, wear your seat belt, make sure your kids are in car seats, know that RED means STOP, not speed up, and learn how in the hell a four way stop works before I start packing heat under my front seat to nudge you along. You see, I'm a lot of things, but omniscient isn't one of them. Ha--probably because I'm not God. And you are so lucky that I am not. These people, hands down, are the WORST drivers on the road. I've said it before--and I'm saying it again. And I will keep saying it until I am as blue as the license plate on the back of their cars. Be aware of these people! It's like common sense gets sucked right out of their heads when they get behind the wheel of the car. And the number of them that I see flipping the bird, running people off roads, and just causing accidents in general? I'm thinking someone might want to require proof of belief before they are allowed to take the plates. They're giving you guys a bad name--for real.

And don't even get me started on some of the others...let me put it this way: want to spread a message?

Get a bumper sticker!

My favorite:



Now that's a message I can get behind!

Road Trippin' It!

So, today, I leave to drive to see my buddy Brit in Iowa.

Sadly, the only thing that keeps popping into my head is "Our State Fair is a GREAT State Fair...." (You know, from the movie State Fair? This movie? With Dana Andrews? Hey--don't make fun of me. This is actually a really good movie.
                                                 

No really! And you can buy a copy and see for yourself. Or, just go talk to someone over the age of 60. They'll set you straight about how under used Dana Andrews was....watch The Best Years of Our Lives. If you get through that and don't tear up? You have no soul. Nope. Nada. None.

But State Fair? There are worse ways to spend a crummy weekend afternoon, for sure.

I actually started out with a song from South Pacific, but it talks about Kansas--which is so not Iowa--so I had to switch gears. (But I do love SP! So much, in fact, I'm making sure I take my CD with me for my drive. I do love Mitzi Gaynor....)

So, I'm soon to be on the road..wish me luck!!

Maybe this time, I will get my traveling tales posted in a more timely manner!

This? This means war!

Hmm. I wonder if that Army Surplus store is still open off of 421??

Cause I'm going to need some supplies for when I open a can of kick ass on a librarian.

Yeah. You read that correctly: A librarian.

(OK--probably actually not a librarian, but a library page. You know, a shelf stocker, checker outer, checker inner...)

I'm thinking scary face paint, helmet--with foliage attached (I'm envisioning Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now....except not so bald. Or fat.), full on combat attire. Boots. Must have boots.

Why? I'll tell you why.

NO. I am not going to pay full price, plus processing, for a book THAT I TURNED IN. What book, you ask? This book:
                                                                    

Which is a great read! Super funny, highly enjoyable--made me laugh out loud (there may, or may not have been the occasional snort. Yes. Tina is that funny. Don't think so? You're dead to me.) If I could be anyone on the planet, it would be Tina Fey. But in actuality? I'm much more like Liz Lemon. Read for yourself--who said this?

“Lovers.. oh, that word bums me out unless it’s between meat and pizza.”


You can't tell, can you???

Well..this one is a good example, too:

Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!


Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks?




It's like we are the same person. Sadly, she is a tragically funny fictional character that I will never get to hang out with. I am tragically not as funny, but still living her somewhat crappy life. Without her salary. This makes me sad....so sad.

This is has sort of taken the wind out of my sails in regards to storming the library.

I guess it all depends on my response from the library. I sent an e-mail telling them approximately when, and what other books were returned with my copy of Bossypants (like this one: Harry Truman's Excellent Adventure: The True Story of a Great American Road Trip. No really--read it! It's a fun book for summer. And the author is really cool. I kind of sort of met him when he talked about this book at the IMHM: The President Is a Sick Man: Wherein the Supposedly Virtuous Grover Cleveland Survives a Secret Surgery at Sea and Vilifies the Courageous Newspaperman Who Dared Expose the Truth.).

So wish me luck. But I have a bad feeling I'm going to have to go all Rambo on some little old lady.

It will so not be pretty.

On a happy note--I found a 10.00 gift card to Applebees in an old purse. And ten bucks? That will buy a crap ton of mozzarella sticks.

Summer Time...and the Livin' is Easy

Ah..

Summer.

It's time for peaches (peach pie!! peach ice cream! peach tea!), melons, summer squash, tomatoes (YES! My topsy turvy does have tomatoes on it--real ones. That are growing. That I will be able to eat!), sun tea, vacations, road trips, and various other types of summer fun.

And I?

I get to partake! No more part time job at retail hell! So, let me apologize now for no more tales of woe and poop. There is only so much one girl can take--and the last straw was the 30 hour work week I came back to after vacation in early June. Well, that and the fact that I had to stand in a small room with a woman caught shoplifting and watch her clean human waste from her body before the police would put her in the back of their car. No. No. NO!

No job that only pays $7.50 an hour was worth that kind of demoralization.

So. Now I have less money, for sure. (Yikes!) But I am happier than I have been in a long time. Not working 75+ hours a week  is just one component of this--but an important one.

I have time to read! I will get a list up soon (!) of stuff that I have really enjoyed this summer--but so far, you MUST check out Mary Roach's  Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void. This book is so good! Space travel + astronaut food + porn movies made in "space"?? Seriously. Read. This. Book.

I also have time for drive in movies, doing things outside (my patio gardens will not go down in flames this year. I will be conscious enough to water them), working out (A ton! I'm on a kick that I hope becomes a real habit....a good one.) and seeing people! I have the potential to road trip next weekend..so if you know of a giant ball of string, or worlds largest dinosaur shaped diner on 1-74/I-80 heading west into Iowa, please, let me know!

And yes, if I find any of those things, there will be photos!

And on the agenda for this evening? Pool Time!

Summer;  how sweet it is!

Why did I come back from the beach again??

Seems to be a theme, huh? I still haven't posted the rest of my cali travel briefs--but I have the interweb at home again (hooray!), so that should change--possibly tonight, so read up!

Who doesn't enjoy the ramblings of a drunk girl, anyway?

(Ok--just for the record-I don't write drunk. That is professionally irresponsible. But I can take full license to make as much fun of myself as I want after the fact.)

So I just got back from a fantastic time in North Carolina....the trip had it all. Beach, ocean, good company, copious amounts of beverages, and just generally really, really relaxing. My kind of good time.

No! Really! I get to mark some stuff off of my list now : )-

Celebrating the beginning of a marriage is always fun and I'm very happy Trisha wanted me to take part in her and Ryan's happy day...(Damn it! I still have the stupid song stuck in my head....).

I made it home last night, happy, exhausted, and just in a general good spirit--which hasn't been true in a long time. This calls for yoga or a nice turn around the canals downtown tonight.

And maybe some house stuff--but I really DO want to keep my good mood. And unpacking? Makes me grouchy. I don't have much on the agenda for today--and that's fine. (There's only been one little breakdown: Note to self; actually read directions on medicine before popping it down your throat...no one likes a hysterical woman calling the pharmacy. And the hysterical woman? Yea--she doesn't like to hear "You are a moron. Calm down--it's fine!" He could have been nicer about it!)

So grouchy profs? Bad drivers? Just crappy people in general? Yea...you are so getting a free pass today.

Enjoy it while it lasts, people!