Cake vs. Pie

I come from a family of pie lovers. As Dad says "I've never met an apple that shouldn't have been in a pie." Yes. We are that serious. You can joke around all you want about religion, politics, the pope--whatever. But pie? Hells no.

Perhaps as a child, this is why when any special occasions rolled around I, being a trouble maker even in my youth, would ask for cake. My mother would sigh, but she would pull out all the stops. There was the easter bunny cake one year (I may have been three--but I will remember that coconut covered rabbit until the day I die), the pink princess cake on my 5th birthday..the list goes on and on. Even more annoying for the rents? Cake is something they never would have picked-never even thought of as a treat for themselves. (With two exceptions. For my mother it would be a devils food cake covered in seven minute frosting alongside a concoction of canned mixed fruit-with cherries DAMN IT!--and diced up apples and bananas added before serving. And maybe, just maybe and orange. If you don't find this weird, you're either related to me or from the South. I've never seen this atrocity known in my family as "fruit salad" anywhere else. For my dad--it's Twinkies. Which technically IS cake. Well..sort of.)

But I digress.

I can see why I would be lured by the siren song of sugar coated sponge that is cake. It's pretty, it's got an air of "fancy" about it. I was always a sucker for fancy. Somethings, sadly, don't change.

However, any schlub can open a box of Betty Crocker, add two eggs and some oil, dump it in a pan, and coat it with store bought dough boy frosting. Now bakeries can make cakes that are works of art--beautiful enough to take your breath away, but the inside? Well it mostly tastes like a combination of cardboard and dog shit. Not much there to be impressed with, honestly. Show me a cake that takes 65 hours to make and I will guarantee you'll find a reception full of people who, after the first bite, will most assuredly utter "Well, it will look good in pictures, anyway...". The sad, broken looks on their faces? It's because that beautiful cake was nothing but a big tease. Frosting, you see, is like make-up. It covers up the flaws, like shitty flavor for one, and dried up old cake that nobody in their right mind would have (or should have) paid $4.00 a serving for if they had seen it before it was dressed up for it's big night out.

This brings me to that all American of yumminess: the pie. You think good pie is easy? Hah! Fool. Is it a lot of work? Not really. Finesse? In spades.

You know good pie by just by looking at it. We've all been to those gatherings where there is that sad looking little undercooked doughy looking "thing" left. Never even been cut. Why? Because you know it's not worth eating just by looking at it--that's why. Now..that one over there--the one with the gorgeous blueberry filling with the lattice crust? The one where you cut it and it holds together by some force of otherworldly magic and the berries burst in your mouth and fill your soul with delight? Now that's what I'm talking about. Lazy folk might have a runny filling--a big ole mess if you will. Not this girl. Oh noo. I've got more than a few pie tricks up my sleeve--but none of them are meant to deceive, but rather to enhance the joy that is fantastic pie. And there's not a dollop of frosting in sight. Ice cream? That's for stomaching that store bought crap--and this includes crappy ass too dry cake. (Unless, you are my father...this man will use any excuse possible to add ice cream to a meal. It's just part of his charm, really.)

Here's the thing with pie. There's no pretense. There's no surprise. What you see--well it's what you get.

But there's no accounting for taste. Some may still think they want the sugary, shitty, dried up facade that is the cake. People, people..when will you learn?? You will never be anything but disappointed. I would go so far as to say you may suffer heartache, even.

Go ahead. Laugh. But when it all comes down to it in the end: What will you have?

The cake? Or the Pie? The choice is yours....don't say you haven't been warned.