So. Yesterday, Christmas disappeared from my house. Well..sort of. I still have the wrapping paper in the office (which needs to be fully gutted, cleaned, and put back together--but that's going to take more than a day off here and there) and the lights are still up on my balcony. And yes, they are still on. I realize this is a bit white trash, but they look so festive out there. And they have like six inches of frozen icy snow on top of them, so they aren't going any where for quite a while. And they look pretty. So don't judge!
Also going on--as Roy Rodgers would say, I'm back in the saddle again. Again. Again. Again. How many times have I done this now? With like NO success what so ever? And why do I keep subjecting myself to this? Well, it would be nice to eat with someone who isn't a girl. (No offense to my many friends that are ladies.) And to be able to really laugh at juvenile and raunchy things without getting the "I can't believe you find this funny" look. (But who doesn't find people falling down, farting, or getting kicked in the groin/head/face, etc funny??)
But, let me share with you the little nuggets of joy that have brightened my week so far:
A 21 year old boy who told me "We should hit it! I like old laidees" (Yes. That's just how the little monster spelled it.)
A 36 year old man who wants me to verbally AND physically abuse him. Preferably leaving marks of said abuse. (And he took pictures of himself wearing nothing but a towel. Now there's a great first impression! Barf.)
Another guy who wanted know if I would think about being a part of his harem of ladies. "Sexier than sister wives..I promise! We like to share everything with each other!" And...I promise you I will never respond to your e-mail.
There have, so far, been more freaks than anything (Like the guy I thought posted a picture of himself and his sister and his crazy Mr. and Mrs. Roper looking parents. But I was wrong about one thing. That's not his sister! That would be his 17 year old daughter! And he's 33. YIKES. DELETE!! DELETE!!).
All that said, some of them appear to be completely normal, rational, sane people.
Hmm. That's what they said about Ted Bundy, too, isn't it?
Oh well, this is my lot in life. I might as well dive in head first. If anything--it's good for a laugh!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Damn..I'm Handy! And Hooray for Good Samaritans!
Okay.
So apparently, my Malibu Barbie Car likes to eat turn signal bulbs.
This, buddies, is NOT cool. (Plus--my remote start has stopped working. I think it's just a fuse--so keep your fingers crossed. I just give thanks that the heated seats still keep my bum nice and toasty warm every morning.) It's like a freaking jig saw puzzle to get these things out--but I have developed a technique that is not only functional, but speedy, too.
But...there are these two giant bolts that hold the stupid head lamps on that can slow me down.
Which is where I had problems last night.
I left work and headed toward the gas station (I worked late, so it was too dark to do it in the parking lot as planned after work) to fill up and pop the new lights in.
Driver's side? Piece of cake. In about 2 minutes flat, I had a new, working (!), turn signal. Yeah for not getting killed on the interstate!!
Passenger side? Bolt one? Easy breezy. Bolt two?
Bolt two.
ARGH. Bolt TWO! You SUCK!
It wouldn't budge. Not at all.
Now, what is is so frustrating about this experience is the fact that two truckers, one farm kid, and various other fellows who reside in Johnson County that one might think would be inclined to help a lady by getting their hands dirty didn't say a word. Nope. They just stared.
At me.
Like I was a monkey at the zoo. And believe you me--I was getting peeved enough to throw poo. Once I got the stupid thing off, I knew it would only take me a few seconds to get the new bulb in and the stupid thing reattached to the car. But for over fifteen minutes I worked on getting that bolt off.
Fifteen. Very. Long. Minutes.
When I was about to start swearing at the air and the chubby guy sitting in the Blazer next to me staring at me while he ate his bag of chips and sucked down his Polar Pop (I guess I was the show to go along with his dinner), a very nice older man in a suit that cost more than I make in a month got out of his Volvo and asked me if I needed help. I said yes--please!!--and he proceeded to work on that bolt for over ten minutes. He was determined to get it off for me, and when he was finished, he thanked me. His wife doesn't let him tinker with the cars anymore--she feels they can pay people to do that for them.
So to the nice man in the cashmere blazer driving that beautiful Volvo S80--thank you again for helping a short girl out.
And I'll let you work on my Chevy any time. For serious.
Damn..I knew I should have gotten his name!!
So apparently, my Malibu Barbie Car likes to eat turn signal bulbs.
This, buddies, is NOT cool. (Plus--my remote start has stopped working. I think it's just a fuse--so keep your fingers crossed. I just give thanks that the heated seats still keep my bum nice and toasty warm every morning.) It's like a freaking jig saw puzzle to get these things out--but I have developed a technique that is not only functional, but speedy, too.
But...there are these two giant bolts that hold the stupid head lamps on that can slow me down.
Which is where I had problems last night.
I left work and headed toward the gas station (I worked late, so it was too dark to do it in the parking lot as planned after work) to fill up and pop the new lights in.
Driver's side? Piece of cake. In about 2 minutes flat, I had a new, working (!), turn signal. Yeah for not getting killed on the interstate!!
Passenger side? Bolt one? Easy breezy. Bolt two?
Bolt two.
ARGH. Bolt TWO! You SUCK!
It wouldn't budge. Not at all.
Now, what is is so frustrating about this experience is the fact that two truckers, one farm kid, and various other fellows who reside in Johnson County that one might think would be inclined to help a lady by getting their hands dirty didn't say a word. Nope. They just stared.
At me.
Like I was a monkey at the zoo. And believe you me--I was getting peeved enough to throw poo. Once I got the stupid thing off, I knew it would only take me a few seconds to get the new bulb in and the stupid thing reattached to the car. But for over fifteen minutes I worked on getting that bolt off.
Fifteen. Very. Long. Minutes.
When I was about to start swearing at the air and the chubby guy sitting in the Blazer next to me staring at me while he ate his bag of chips and sucked down his Polar Pop (I guess I was the show to go along with his dinner), a very nice older man in a suit that cost more than I make in a month got out of his Volvo and asked me if I needed help. I said yes--please!!--and he proceeded to work on that bolt for over ten minutes. He was determined to get it off for me, and when he was finished, he thanked me. His wife doesn't let him tinker with the cars anymore--she feels they can pay people to do that for them.
So to the nice man in the cashmere blazer driving that beautiful Volvo S80--thank you again for helping a short girl out.
And I'll let you work on my Chevy any time. For serious.
Damn..I knew I should have gotten his name!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Teddy Bear Tattoos and Food Stamps?
You would think these things do not go together.
I'm here to tell you that they do.
Now--please don't worry! I have not out and gotten myself inked. That said, gather round children--let me tell you a story.
I was at work on Friday night, doing my normal picking up after people thing (and now that the holidays are over, I can honestly say that my second job is like a cake walk. I can do this thing in my sleep if need be. And Friday, I can pretty much guarantee you that I was sleep walking.
Until.
Until a girl that I work with bounded over to me (which takes a lot, because she's damn near close to six feet tall) excited like a six year old.
To show me her new tattoo.
(Which was added to an already giant tattoo on her lower arm, close to her wrist of a rose.)
Her new tat? Is of a Teddy Bear with a bow around his neck. Surrounded by flowers.
She was soo excited, too. This probably made my WTF reaction not so appreciated. I quickly reined it in:
"Is that a...bear?"
"NO! He's not just 'a bear'. It's a Teddy Bear! Just like Mr. SnugglePants, the bear I've had since I was a kid. I love Mr. SnugglePants!"
"Wow.....that's.....neat."
"I had to come to work tonight before we were finished with him. I'm adding some more stuff..you know. Doing a half sleeve thingy. So I will have ink all over the lower part of my arm. Cool, right?"
"Yeah....sooooo cool. You have fun with that."
What the hell do you say to a 22 year old woman/child that has added a 10 inch permanent stuffed animal to her arm. Her lower arm. In an area you will pretty much NEVER be able to cover up? How will you NOT regret such a stupid thing when you are 45?
And, more shocking, her boyfriends (she has more than one--but I forgot to ask if they all knew about each other) all seemed cool with this idea. Encouraged her, even.
Seriously--what man is going to take a look at that and not have his "Crazy Girl with Daddy Issues" alarm not go off? (If you are a guy, and this wouldn't be an issue for you--please explain to me why. In detail.)
So, off to my department I go to get some work done and before we know it, it is time to close. I'm working with BearGirl again and another nice older lady from the suburbs when Bear Girl asks us, out of the blue:
"Do you know where I can buy some Food Stamps? I broke up with the guy I used to get them from...for free--ha ha" (I have to interject here, the way she said this--you would think she was getting diamonds from this guy at no cost. She was proud of this fact.)
Hmm. Well, since that is illegal, and neither of us two old squares have ever been on public assistance (If you actually need it--there is NOTHING wrong with getting a helping hand. However--as this conversation illustrates--there are serious problems with this system.), let alone where to buy Food Stamps off the freaking street. Did she really expect me to be like "Yea...I've got a guy. I'll totally hook you up!"
Not so much.
And if I did have such a sleezeball in my back pocket, do you think I would share this? Especially to a girl with a stupid Teddy Bear on her arm.
Again--not so much.
Working so much, sometimes, does have it's own entertainment value, that's for sure!
I'm here to tell you that they do.
Now--please don't worry! I have not out and gotten myself inked. That said, gather round children--let me tell you a story.
I was at work on Friday night, doing my normal picking up after people thing (and now that the holidays are over, I can honestly say that my second job is like a cake walk. I can do this thing in my sleep if need be. And Friday, I can pretty much guarantee you that I was sleep walking.
Until.
Until a girl that I work with bounded over to me (which takes a lot, because she's damn near close to six feet tall) excited like a six year old.
To show me her new tattoo.
(Which was added to an already giant tattoo on her lower arm, close to her wrist of a rose.)
Her new tat? Is of a Teddy Bear with a bow around his neck. Surrounded by flowers.
She was soo excited, too. This probably made my WTF reaction not so appreciated. I quickly reined it in:
"Is that a...bear?"
"NO! He's not just 'a bear'. It's a Teddy Bear! Just like Mr. SnugglePants, the bear I've had since I was a kid. I love Mr. SnugglePants!"
"Wow.....that's.....neat."
"I had to come to work tonight before we were finished with him. I'm adding some more stuff..you know. Doing a half sleeve thingy. So I will have ink all over the lower part of my arm. Cool, right?"
"Yeah....sooooo cool. You have fun with that."
What the hell do you say to a 22 year old woman/child that has added a 10 inch permanent stuffed animal to her arm. Her lower arm. In an area you will pretty much NEVER be able to cover up? How will you NOT regret such a stupid thing when you are 45?
And, more shocking, her boyfriends (she has more than one--but I forgot to ask if they all knew about each other) all seemed cool with this idea. Encouraged her, even.
Seriously--what man is going to take a look at that and not have his "Crazy Girl with Daddy Issues" alarm not go off? (If you are a guy, and this wouldn't be an issue for you--please explain to me why. In detail.)
So, off to my department I go to get some work done and before we know it, it is time to close. I'm working with BearGirl again and another nice older lady from the suburbs when Bear Girl asks us, out of the blue:
"Do you know where I can buy some Food Stamps? I broke up with the guy I used to get them from...for free--ha ha" (I have to interject here, the way she said this--you would think she was getting diamonds from this guy at no cost. She was proud of this fact.)
Hmm. Well, since that is illegal, and neither of us two old squares have ever been on public assistance (If you actually need it--there is NOTHING wrong with getting a helping hand. However--as this conversation illustrates--there are serious problems with this system.), let alone where to buy Food Stamps off the freaking street. Did she really expect me to be like "Yea...I've got a guy. I'll totally hook you up!"
Not so much.
And if I did have such a sleezeball in my back pocket, do you think I would share this? Especially to a girl with a stupid Teddy Bear on her arm.
Again--not so much.
Working so much, sometimes, does have it's own entertainment value, that's for sure!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
You'll pry this sucker out of my cold dead hands....
Alright.
I give up. Every time I find a new one of you guys, it's wonderful. I feel happy to have you with me. It's almost...magical. You know, like unicorns and rainbows and kittens--all rolled into one big ball of glee.
But then...when I really, REALLY, need you--you are no where to be found.
When will I learn to stop trusting cosmetic companies?
First, Almay broke my heart by discontinuing the best lipstick (hands down) in the US market. My poison? #42--Sequin...boy did I look good in Sequin. Pink Copper (#40) was a distant second--but doable in a pinch.
Like when they were out of Sequin.
You can sometimes find a tube here and there online...but it's trickery. They will let you get all the way to the check out before saying "Whoopsie!! We actually don't have that. Sorry! : ( How about this disgusting Estee Lauder?"
Sorry?
Sorry?!
SORRY!!! You're damn right you are sorry. Hell hath no fury like a woman who can't find her lipstick.
(And yes-Estee Lauder lipstick is DISGUSTING. It's like slapping a layer of tinted Turtle Wax on your lips. Foul, foul stuff...)
But..I found sort of a substitute. A step up, if you will, from Prescriptives.
R/O Surprise #14
It smells lovely, it goes on like a dream..and it's a bit more pinky than Almay, but that's okay...it's the closest thing I've found out there.
So, my tube is almost empty.
So I go online to Prescriptives to find out where I can find my new(er) treasure...
Oh. The horror.
DISCONTINUED.
I called a Prescriptives counter...hoping that the information online was incorrect.
It was not.
And yes. I realize this makes me a crazy person.
But do you know how many years I've spent trying to find the perfect neutral lipstick? Let's put it this way..you should be addressing me as "Dr. Cain", as I should have a doctorate in Cosmetic Sourcing.
That said...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I found ONE website that has ONE tube of (I'm practically bouncing from my seat as I write this)...Almay #42!!!!
So. I'm safe for now. And I have a few months to find a viable substitution.
So if you see me out--NO biatch--you CANNOT use my lipstick.
Why?
My, my, my...someone didn't read the title, did they?
I give up. Every time I find a new one of you guys, it's wonderful. I feel happy to have you with me. It's almost...magical. You know, like unicorns and rainbows and kittens--all rolled into one big ball of glee.
But then...when I really, REALLY, need you--you are no where to be found.
When will I learn to stop trusting cosmetic companies?
First, Almay broke my heart by discontinuing the best lipstick (hands down) in the US market. My poison? #42--Sequin...boy did I look good in Sequin. Pink Copper (#40) was a distant second--but doable in a pinch.
Like when they were out of Sequin.
You can sometimes find a tube here and there online...but it's trickery. They will let you get all the way to the check out before saying "Whoopsie!! We actually don't have that. Sorry! : ( How about this disgusting Estee Lauder?"
Sorry?
Sorry?!
SORRY!!! You're damn right you are sorry. Hell hath no fury like a woman who can't find her lipstick.
(And yes-Estee Lauder lipstick is DISGUSTING. It's like slapping a layer of tinted Turtle Wax on your lips. Foul, foul stuff...)
But..I found sort of a substitute. A step up, if you will, from Prescriptives.
R/O Surprise #14
It smells lovely, it goes on like a dream..and it's a bit more pinky than Almay, but that's okay...it's the closest thing I've found out there.
So, my tube is almost empty.
So I go online to Prescriptives to find out where I can find my new(er) treasure...
Oh. The horror.
DISCONTINUED.
I called a Prescriptives counter...hoping that the information online was incorrect.
It was not.
And yes. I realize this makes me a crazy person.
But do you know how many years I've spent trying to find the perfect neutral lipstick? Let's put it this way..you should be addressing me as "Dr. Cain", as I should have a doctorate in Cosmetic Sourcing.
That said...there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I found ONE website that has ONE tube of (I'm practically bouncing from my seat as I write this)...Almay #42!!!!
So. I'm safe for now. And I have a few months to find a viable substitution.
So if you see me out--NO biatch--you CANNOT use my lipstick.
Why?
My, my, my...someone didn't read the title, did they?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I'm being stalked....
....by Adam Lambert.
You read correctly. I'm being audio stalked by this guy:
You read correctly. I'm being audio stalked by this guy:
Do you know how frightening this is? Every time I turn on the car...I hear that "What do you want from me?" song. Dear god..it's like it's on auto repeat--just for me.
NO MORE. I'm am done with your serenading me, sir. Done, I tell you--done!
It doesn't matter what time of day. It doesn't matter what station (I'm a notorious flipper...I have no station loyalty whatsoever.). It doesn't matter what I'm doing. Every time I turn on the radio..I hear Adam Lambert.
So the real question is this--what the hell do you want from me Adam Lambert? Huh? Huh? Seriously..you are driving me freaking nuts.
I don't know what I did to deserve this--but whatever it is--I'm sorry. Please, please, please...just make it stop!
Please?
Monday, December 20, 2010
I think I've finally lost it...
Why is that you ask?
Because I'm in my kitchen....singing along with Bing Crosby like my life depends on it.
And if you know my singing voice, right now you are counting your blessings that you are far, far away!
(Side note: Oh...the weather outside is frightful....and I got sent home from my part time job...thank god! Because I don't think I would have made it up the hill later tonight. And when I peeked out the window just now, the car is already completely covered in snow. I am SO not looking forward to the drive to work tomorrow.)
So. I've been home for about an hour and I feel quite accomplished.
I've made rocky road bark, peppermint bark, my peanut butter fudge is divided up---and some is coated in chocolate--coconut rum balls are sitting pretty in a new coating of powdered sugar, and now I'm starting cookies.
Black Walnut cookies---yummmm.
I am usually quite the Christmas grump, waiting to the last minute possible to do everything and bitching about it the whole time--but this year, I don't know what the deal is. I'm not in a super grouchy mood, I'm relatively happy (which after last year is a GREAT improvement) and not actually dreading the upcoming holidays. However, among other things, I do absolutely miss a certain little fuzz ball who loved Christmas trees, which is why I've moved Jeter to the dining room. Call me morbid, but somehow, I think he appreciates being near the tree. Maybe that's why I'm in such a good mood?? A little kitty karma is rubbing off on me?
Perhaps.
I've always felt I've needed someone looking after me--maybe now I've got it. (It's a nice thought, actually. So if you think I'm an idiot--just keep it to yourself. I pretty much think I'm an idiot most of the time, so I don't need any help from the peanut gallery.)
I have not, however, tried wrapping presents. Last year I had to trap the two of them in the bedroom until I was done. Wrapping paper, if you didn't know, is even more like catnip to cats than catnip. Not. Joking. And since Yogi is a little bit more special than most boys, I'm going to have my hands full. Good thing he's freaking adorable....
So I'm going to enjoy my good mood, and my good fortune of not having to work tonight, by baking. Lots and lots of baking.
Ah...being in the kitchen. It's like therapy..but cheaper.
Happy Holidays to everyone!
Because I'm in my kitchen....singing along with Bing Crosby like my life depends on it.
And if you know my singing voice, right now you are counting your blessings that you are far, far away!
(Side note: Oh...the weather outside is frightful....and I got sent home from my part time job...thank god! Because I don't think I would have made it up the hill later tonight. And when I peeked out the window just now, the car is already completely covered in snow. I am SO not looking forward to the drive to work tomorrow.)
So. I've been home for about an hour and I feel quite accomplished.
I've made rocky road bark, peppermint bark, my peanut butter fudge is divided up---and some is coated in chocolate--coconut rum balls are sitting pretty in a new coating of powdered sugar, and now I'm starting cookies.
Black Walnut cookies---yummmm.
I am usually quite the Christmas grump, waiting to the last minute possible to do everything and bitching about it the whole time--but this year, I don't know what the deal is. I'm not in a super grouchy mood, I'm relatively happy (which after last year is a GREAT improvement) and not actually dreading the upcoming holidays. However, among other things, I do absolutely miss a certain little fuzz ball who loved Christmas trees, which is why I've moved Jeter to the dining room. Call me morbid, but somehow, I think he appreciates being near the tree. Maybe that's why I'm in such a good mood?? A little kitty karma is rubbing off on me?
Perhaps.
I've always felt I've needed someone looking after me--maybe now I've got it. (It's a nice thought, actually. So if you think I'm an idiot--just keep it to yourself. I pretty much think I'm an idiot most of the time, so I don't need any help from the peanut gallery.)
I have not, however, tried wrapping presents. Last year I had to trap the two of them in the bedroom until I was done. Wrapping paper, if you didn't know, is even more like catnip to cats than catnip. Not. Joking. And since Yogi is a little bit more special than most boys, I'm going to have my hands full. Good thing he's freaking adorable....
So I'm going to enjoy my good mood, and my good fortune of not having to work tonight, by baking. Lots and lots of baking.
Ah...being in the kitchen. It's like therapy..but cheaper.
Happy Holidays to everyone!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Hey morons! It's called English, so learn to use it--PROPERLY.
There are somethings that just grate on my nerves.
And people who treat the English Language like a red headed step child? Ugh. They are on my list.
And sadly,..most people treat it way worse than that.
And today--I just can't take it anymore. I'm done with people too stupid to take the time to learn to use the language properly. It doesn't mean you are uppity--it means you have some pride and aren't a lazy asshole. Me personally? Well, I just don't want anyone to think I'm stupid.
Spellcheck people. Spellcheck can be your best friend. That said, I do excuse typos from people that I know have an IQ above the average bear--and spellcheck doesn't catch everything. That said, since spellcheck doesn't catch everything, you actually have to be aware of your grammar, too. If you graduated from High School you should be fully aware of the following items (Look! I'm even nice enough to create a guide for you!):
No and Know
No is the answer to a question.
Example: "Did you see that pimp smack the crap out of that midget hooker?!?"
"No! Damn--how did I miss that?"
Know is having knowledge (hint--see how the both start with KN?)
Example: "Well, boo. I know how much you love streetwalking midgets."
Sit vs Set (This is like nails down a chalk board to my brain. Figure. It. Out. NOW!)
Sitting is something you do. "Sit down!"
You set an inanimate object in it's place. You know--when you set the table?
There vs. Their
There is in regards to a place. (Oh wait..if you don't know the difference between these two, how am I supposed to hope you know what in the hell 'in regards' means?)
Example: "How do we get there from here?"
Their is a possessive pronoun.
I'm going to let that sink in for a moment.....I know, I know--it hurts.
Example: "Is this their Valtrex? I would hate for Paris and Nicky Hilton to have left it behind..that would be a shame, wouldn't it?"
Now. I know I'm not perfect, but I know bad language when I see it. And I don't mean swearing and the like. And yes, this is a short list. Trust me, if I had time--I could write a lot more than this.
So please, for my sanity--take heed and share your new found knowledge with your buddies.
It will make me a happy girl, indeed!
And people who treat the English Language like a red headed step child? Ugh. They are on my list.
And sadly,..most people treat it way worse than that.
And today--I just can't take it anymore. I'm done with people too stupid to take the time to learn to use the language properly. It doesn't mean you are uppity--it means you have some pride and aren't a lazy asshole. Me personally? Well, I just don't want anyone to think I'm stupid.
Spellcheck people. Spellcheck can be your best friend. That said, I do excuse typos from people that I know have an IQ above the average bear--and spellcheck doesn't catch everything. That said, since spellcheck doesn't catch everything, you actually have to be aware of your grammar, too. If you graduated from High School you should be fully aware of the following items (Look! I'm even nice enough to create a guide for you!):
No and Know
No is the answer to a question.
Example: "Did you see that pimp smack the crap out of that midget hooker?!?"
"No! Damn--how did I miss that?"
Know is having knowledge (hint--see how the both start with KN?)
Example: "Well, boo. I know how much you love streetwalking midgets."
Sit vs Set (This is like nails down a chalk board to my brain. Figure. It. Out. NOW!)
Sitting is something you do. "Sit down!"
You set an inanimate object in it's place. You know--when you set the table?
There vs. Their
There is in regards to a place. (Oh wait..if you don't know the difference between these two, how am I supposed to hope you know what in the hell 'in regards' means?)
Example: "How do we get there from here?"
Their is a possessive pronoun.
I'm going to let that sink in for a moment.....I know, I know--it hurts.
Example: "Is this their Valtrex? I would hate for Paris and Nicky Hilton to have left it behind..that would be a shame, wouldn't it?"
Now. I know I'm not perfect, but I know bad language when I see it. And I don't mean swearing and the like. And yes, this is a short list. Trust me, if I had time--I could write a lot more than this.
So please, for my sanity--take heed and share your new found knowledge with your buddies.
It will make me a happy girl, indeed!
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