Chemical warfare...

It's not something I like to admit--but I am TERRIFIED of spiders.

Especially ones big enough you can see their eight buggy eyes staring back at you, mocking you.

"You scared of me little girl?!? He he he."

You're damn right I'm scared of you arachnid. And with good reason.

(Now, I feel like I should preface the following by saying if they are little small spiders, the kind that tend to get into the house, I am not such a chicken. I smash them, flush them, and wash my hands about a thousand times. A good Buddhist, I will never make.)

Saturday, after a long day at work--and very (how sad--I had hopes) uneventful evening I come home to see a giant spider web in the door way leading up to my landing. No spider. "Well that's just disgusting" I said (out loud of course...I seem to have lost the ability for internal dialogue these days) and went up to get my broom to remove the offensive thing from the door frame. As I come down the stairs...I see it. It drops down to the middle of the web, turned it's head, saw me, and started to drop down a little further, like he wanted a better look.

And yes, I shrieked like a banshee and hightailed it back up the stairs almost in tears.

Okay. Go ahead. Have yourself a good laugh at my expense.

This thing was HUGE. A monster, really. I think it was about as big around as a half dollar (this is NOT including it's legs...)

Well--what happened next, I'm not proud of.

I keep a bottle of Ortho Home Defense right outside on my front porch. I spray around my light fixtures and such as it keeps moths and other stupid buggy type things away from my house. This stuff is simply amazing. It works for weeks at a time. Awesome, right? Right. So, I grab my bottle and before I lose my nerve, I run back down the stairs, bottle raised like a weapon and start spraying. It was like a scene out of Natural Born Killers and I was the one leading the massacre.

I sprayed at the spider dead (ha ha) center on its web--and he almost immediately fell to the ground. *Cough* *Hack* he seemed to be saying as he stumbled drunkenly around on the concrete. I kept spraying "Die! Why won't you just die!?"

I pleaded with him to give up. About two minutes of spraying later (Yes--overkill.I'm totally aware of this.), he did. And I was relieved.

Until I turned around and saw another big hairy monster glaring at my back.

Needless to say, there was another round of spraying, this one not quite so long due to the fact that there was a chemical lake on the landing that nothing could have survived a swim through, no matter how determined. I then sprayed the nasty looking nest like web this guy had crawled out of and snuck back upstairs.

This morning, as I left for work, I noticed all remnants of the spiders were gone--had been cleared away as if they had never even been there.

And god willing, they never will be again.

At least not until I can get another bottle of bug spray. It would seem I'm out at the moment.

Honest answers--there's a reason no one wants to hear them...

So the other day--I was presented with a question that I was, at first, stumped to answer:

"What are you looking for in, you know, a guy?"

My first response was flippant (as usual)--"That when we go to dinner, he doesn't call to check in with his wife...” ba-dum-dum.

I then went on to say the stuff that we are expected to say: A nice person, caring, responsible, blah, blah, blah. (Hey--it least it wasn't that Jerry McGuire line of BS of "someone who completes me...” That would be a conjoined twin--and be thankful you don't have one. That not the case? Then you should head to a shrink because you have serious issues with your self esteem if you base your idea of happiness on a second rate Hollywood crap fest. God--people are so lame. Huh. Guess I'm not helping any with that, am I?)

But really? Truly? Hmm. After much pondering, I realized what I should have said to my buddy:

I want someone who enjoys unloading the dishwasher. I have no problems cooking, cleaning up after dinner, etc-but if the dishwasher needs unloading--it is all suddenly "too much" work. I will cram dirty dishes in with clean just so I don't have to unload the stupid thing which, in my kitchen, takes all of two seconds. I can't explain it--but there you have it.

Next on the list--laundry putter-upper. I actually enjoy doing laundry. I don't even mind ironing napkins, table cloths and the like. But--putting clean laundry away? It's. Pure. Torture. Aaaagh. Why do I have so many damn clothes??! That need to be put away? They are neatly folded, mind you (I do not wad things up in a basket. They are folded as soon as they come out of the dryer--the key to avoiding wrinkles), but put up? Hmm. Is someone coming over? Then yes. Begrudgingly.

There are other little things. Like a person who would just sigh bemusedly as they water the plants (I am prone to forget plants require such attention..I love gardening--but I'm not so good at the upkeep). Oh! And run the vacuum a few times a week..I LOATHE the vacuum. I can't explain it. I do it....but I hate every stinking second of it. I'd rather scrub a floor on my hands and knees than vacuum. Funnier still? The vacuum hates me, too. Don't ask.

It sounds like I want a maid. Hmmm. That's not true--I guess someone that's cool in sharing the mundane, because let's be honest...it can't be heart thumping sweaty fun time all the time. Damn. Just writing those words makes me sad...very sad. Sigh.

Also? He doesn't yell at me because of wilted pansies or the sight of me sneaking dirty dishes in with the clean..just because I'm too much of a bum to unload the damn thing. No. He will shake his head and wonder "what did I do to deserve this awesomeness that is my life?"

I don't know--but it must have been good.

Kitchen not-so-confidential, horoscopes, and a pig in shorty shorts.

First off--let me tell you of my love of Stephen Pastis. His blog is totally worth checking out as he is...well, hilarious.

Don't know who he is? Umm...I take it you don't read comics like moi. I'm a big fan of Pearls. Today's struck me as especially funny, so I felt the need to share. I think Pig and I have the same problem. Unfortunately, unlike Pig, I KNOW the centrifugal force of the earth isn't going to get me into my skinny jeans any time soon. Damn. But it's a nice thought. Wouldn't the world be wonderful if this were true? Oh well...back to grind. One of these days, I'm going to be one of those work out every day kind of people. Maybe. Hopefully. Okay--not until someone hires me a personal trainer--let's be honest.

Also from today's inbox: My "Accurate" 2009 Horoscope. (Whorescope might just be a better name for it. Seriously.)

AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in
long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard. Will
take on any project.. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy
and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they're not
sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their
family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or
tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a
Fighter but will Knock your lights out.. 2 years of bad luck if you do
not forward

Well. I can't argue with the trustworthy part. Attractive? Depends on the day, but vanity screams "Yes, yes, yes!". Clumsy? If you've met me--you know this is 200% correct. Some days I don't think I could pass one of those drunk driving field tests sober. Proud of myself? Not usually, no. I do take offense to the messy part. Mainly because it's true. Dirty? No. I'm a notorious stacker of paper. Mail. Magazines. Books. But most days, you could eat off my kitchen floor without hazard. (I have to agree with a very, very smart woman--a role model, really--the former director of the museum where I spend a lot of my time: A clean desk = an empty mind. Here here!)As for the rest of it, well. You can read. (And yes--I hope it's true! What can I say--I'm a sucker for tarot card wielding gypsies...)

So last night, I had the urge to do something. Well...cook, really. But what does one make at 10 pm while watching true crime junk from her Tivo? Well, let's put it this way I had brown bananas that needed to be used and...blueberries mocking me in the refrigerator("Remember us?!?" Ooohh--so sorry, nope--not ringing a bell. This is what happens when I go grocery shopping hungry.). This doesn't sound good does it? Well, you are wrong. It is..a masterpiece. Banana Blueberry Muffins ala me. A whiff of vanilla, a hint of cinnamon, the background of banana and the bursting blueberries. Heaven. They are so very, very good! I'm actually sad I only brought one with me to work today to have for breakfast. (I had to cut back on the poptarts...dear god--I had no idea how much fat was in two small unfrosted poptarts! Yikes!!) This is something that I definitely will be keeping in my repertoire, that's for sure.

If I can't wow you with my smarts--I will win you with my muffins! Ha!

Taking things into my own hands...

Some people out there know that I've been on the hunt for a job now for well over a year and half.

Yesterday--I applied for two positions.

Guess what was waiting in my inbox this morning?

Just guess.

Here--I'll share them with you:

Dear Rhea,

Thank you for your interest regarding the Marketing Manager opening. Although you bring many qualities with you as a candidate, after consideration we have determined there is not a suitable match between your skills and our needs.

Although you are no longer being considered for this position, you may still be under consideration for other positions for which you have applied. If you have not applied for any other positions, we encourage you to do so. There are many different career opportunities available at Red Gold. Please visit our website, at www.redgold.com to view all current career openings.

We are truly pleased that you have considered pursuing a career with XYZ Tomato Corp and wish you the best in your job search and future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Human Resources Department


And here's another:

Rhea,

Thank you for taking the time to submit your resume. Your qualifications have been updated and reviewed against our openings. Unfortunately, we have identified other candidates who more closely meet our requirements at the present time. However, your information will remain active in our system and will be considered as appropriate. If your skill set is identified as a potential fit for future opportunities, you will be contacted promptly for further discussion.

Again, thank you for your time and interest in our company. I wish you success in obtaining the position you desire.

Sincerely,

Human Resources

I notice who ever spit out the form e-mail was too chicken to use their name in both cases. Note to you at Leaky Faucet, Inc : If you are going to sign an e-mail as being from "Human Resources", then you shouldn't use "I" in the preceding paragraph. "We" would have been the better choice. Maybe you should read the one from the tomato people above. It gets right to the point "We think you suck."

But here's the thing.

I don't suck, thank you very much. Not at all. I want to prove myself. To work in an environment where I actually (gasp) work hard and feel productive. I have lamented on my work ethic before (Apparently, I feel the need to "work too much". Pish.), but shouldn't it at least get my foot in the door somewhere? Good help is really not that hard to find people! Hello! Here I am!

So. Self promotion is shameless--but whatever. You know what they say about desperate times?? Without further adieu-here we go. Read it and weep. Like it? Drop me a line. Know a friend of a friend who needs a position filled? Feel free to let me know. (Since it's cut and paste--don't make fun of format!)

Summary

Hard working, motivated, goal oriented professional with over nine years of hands on retail management experience in the college bookstore industry, as well as experience in research and development of programs for the not-for-profit organization. Documented proven results in development of marketing initiatives, customer service, sales growth and managing a fully diversified staff. I feel that I have a diverse background of work experiences to bring with me into a new position. I have developed strong communication skills and excel at building and maintaining professional relationships—the true key to success in modern business. I am a fast learner and self-starter, with outstanding presentation skills and a strong commitment to customer service—both internal and external. My intent is to not only do my job well, but to exceed expectations.

Work History

Follett Higher Education Group, Oakbrook, IL Aug. 1999 to Present
FHEG is the nation’s largest collegiate retail bookstore company with over 800 locations within the United States and Canada serving various sized institutions of higher education. I have held several management positions within the company including, but not listed, Student Store Supervisor at Butler University (1999-2003) and Specialty Store Manger for the NCAA Hall of Champions (2003-2005).

Field Manager Franklin College Bookstore 2006 to Present
• Manage all aspects of cultivating sales on a campus of approximately 1000 students including textbook management, general merchandise product lines, software sales, employee development and training, customer service management, and implementing corporate initiatives.
• Exceeded budgeted sales for Fiscal Year 2008 by over 15%.
• Work to promote the Bookstore to faculty and students in order to nurture/increase financial growth by persistent marketing initiatives that I developed in house specifically for the Franklin College Bookstore.
• Manage a diverse staff of part time students and full time employees.
• Received recognition for having one of the top 15 percentile textbook departments in the company—along with a consistent Used Text Ratio of over 50% (average is 30% or less).
• Successfully meets budgets provided by corporate.
• Maintain and expand upon relationships with contacts at the College in order to benefit sales to the Bookstore.

Assistant Field Manager UIndy Bookstore 2005-2006
• Consistently reviewed purchase analysis and P&L statements, reconciling invoices and credits with corporate accounts payable/accounts receivable.
• Monitored the store’s financial performance via weekly/monthly benchmarking.
• Developed a relationship with the store’s general merchandise buyer to increase growth and maintain sales within the department.
• Managed and scheduled a staff of 15+ for all departments of the store.
• Was responsible for all AR done through the store—worked extensively with various state agencies and the VA to collect outstanding payments.

Indiana Medical History Museum March 2000-Present
The Indiana Medical History Museum is a privately run 501 c 3 organization located on the grounds of the former Central State Hospital. With a full time staff of one, the museum allows for personal growth and professional development within its part time staff and volunteers.

Museum Marketing/Public Relations
• Working with local media outlets, webmasters, and vendors to promote and capture market share for the museum with exhibits, special events, and lectures.
• Develops new relationships with donors, sponsors and community partners to ensure the continuation of events and exhibits.

Docent/Collections Researcher/Special Event Planning IMHM
• Provide tours to visitors to the museum of all ages and group size.
• Research items donated to the museum’s collection, and enter collected information into the museum’s database system, Past Perfect.
• Work with the director to develop and expand programs offered.
• Set up and write press kits for distribution.
• Create the copy for exhibits/exhibit set up.
• Developed summer educational program for children.

Education

Masters of Business Administration, Marketing

Graduate Certificate in Marketing Studies
University of Indianapolis, Indianapolis, IN
July 2008

Completed extensive coursework focusing on Marketing and Public Relations, and created several highly appraised marketing plans. Placed a special emphasis on not-for-profit organizations, public relations, and branding initiatives.

Bachelor of Arts, History
Butler University, Indianapolis, IN
May 2003

The curriculum allowed for the development of writing and research skills that have proven to be invaluable in my professional career. Received various scholarships and departmental awards based on the high quality of undergraduate work. Both wrote and presented papers at the annual Butler University Undergraduate Research Conference in 2003.

Computer Skills
•Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and Publisher. Microsoft Windows OS, exceptional Internet research skills.

Professional Organizations

Member of the American Marketing Association, Indianapolis Chapter.



Yes, yes--long for a blog posting, I know, I know...but whatever it takes, that's what I'm willing to do. Tenacity is nothing to be ashamed of.

Unicorns, indeed!

There are some things I will never, ever admit to.

Hair color? Yes--that would be one of them. I've been a red-headed-minx since 1996..and I think I stay within the realm of ruby because it looks like, well, me.

So when I read this today while wasting some time on CNN, I felt the need to share:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/09/15/tf.why.men.love.redheads/index.html (I'll try to give you a direct link, too--but it didn't work the first time for some reason...)



It made me smile--and though I'm not exactly the "real mccoy", I would dare you to call me anything else to my face.

Seriously--I dare you.

Weekend Fun...

Had by all--and not just me, I hope?

With the exception of Friday and Yogi's turning into the child from the Exorcist at the vet (He did not do so well...at all. The upside of his tantrum? The vet got a great look at his "very pretty teeth" with all the hissing that was going on.) and his carrier coming apart when I was trying to get him in the house (this catastrophe resulted in the lovely set of three inch scratches on my arm..he was so terrified he climbed me like a monkey) it was a pretty uneventful Friday--the best kind after a long week of work.

(As for the furball's bad attitude, it has been recommended to that on all vet trips in the future, I have to bring both boys--which is fine. Jeter likes to go to the vet to flirt with all the techs. Trust me, I'm not kidding about this. I also had no idea Yogi was that much of a little monster! Or that he weighed almost 13 pounds! He's NOT fat--and yet I still got "the lecture". Kitties, dear vet, are not furry Kate Mosses. They are supposed to be a bit chubby. Silly me was worried that he was underweight. Shows what I know, huh?)

Saturday, well, Saturday was the perfect day for Penrod. Carm and I got there about 9:30, so by Noon (when it was starting to get crazy crowded), we were done and ready to go. We saw all kinds of stuff--she got a great deal on a framed photo, I got a similarly good deal, but my photo isn't framed...so guess who will be shopping for mats and frames this week? (I say frames because I got a cute print of a winter tree full of all kinds of birds for mom...)

So we walked around, saw all kinds of pottery that I would love to own, but don't really have the $$ for. I also saw the girl from Zionsville who has the amazing oils of various kinds of flowers and stuff--but my favorite would still be the field of poppies...One day, I will have the 1200.00 to drop on that one....well, I better, anyway. Speaking of Zionsville..I think I will have to make a trek up there to poke around. I haven't really ever done much of that, and I've been going there my whole life. Pathetic, huh? I think maybe a snack at the Friendly might be calling my name sometime soon, that's for sure.

Also good this weekend? Butler won! I can't believe it! 2-0! That and the Bears, Notre Dame, and Purdue lost! Ha!! There--I'm doing my victory gloat. I don't get to do it very often, so cut me some slack!

Sunday was busyish. I did get up and walk for about 4.5 miles (be proud Beth..be proud). Usually, this gives me boundless energy, but not this time. I got home, ate some breakfast, and crashed on the couch to watch the F1 race (this...I do not want to talk about--how do you go from pole to crashing on the last lap practically!! argh..I reiterate--it's best left unsaid). But then I had to get dolled up for a reception at the Woodstock Club so hair was done, nails were touched up (best as I could since I've managed to chop a bit of my left thumb off), put on a black skirt, stacked heels, new hose (which got a run in them before I got home...and they were new really nice ones that I ordered online! Boo!!! So now I have a thigh high with no mate....sad--very sad), very cute white sweater with an asymmetrical collar with onyx looking buttons...like I said, very nice. Got lots of compliments--so I guess it was a keeper as far as outfits go. After that, headed out to dinner, went home and I crashed.

Which means I woke up about 4:30 this morning.

All I can say is thank god for coffee!!

Some oldies--but goodies...

So I'm going to repost some entries from another site..this one is from April of this year. I enjoyed it so much--I figured I would share (and NO! I am NOT being lazy!!):

An Open Letter to the City Planners of Indianapolis

To Whom it May Concern:

While not a life long resident, our fair city of Indianapolis is where I have chosen to make my home--more specifically on the Westside. I love enjoying the amenities of a larger city (think Chicago without the pretentious assholes and you will get what I mean) while not feeling like I'm going to be knifed while walking downtown. Or having to pretend I don't see homeless people urinating on buildings--because they don't do that here. Well, not in the daylight, anyway. This, sir or madam, is a special combination indeed. We are lucky that we get to live here.

That said: WTF. No. Seriously. WTF. Do you want to drive people to madess? My once 40min commute can now take up to an hour and half. Why?

Because someone had their head up their ass in your office, that's why.

"Dur..I know--before the hightest grossing sporting event in the world, let tear out the whole west side of 465..and take 136 down to one lane, AND not have the 21st street bridge finished. Doesn't that sound like a good idea?"

And the ass monkeys that work for this idiot and jumped and down and clapped and said, "Yes, yes!!" And then were told to sit and were rewarded with cookies. (At least..this is how I imagine these types of meetings going. Probably way more entertaining than the truth, but whatever--it makes me feel better about the situation)

Here's an idea for you: Why don't you finish one project before you start another one? Especially within a five mile range of eatch other. Is that too much to ask? I mean I don't have a fancy degree in city planning or engineering--but even I, lowly sage of history and marketing stooge, can figure this one out.

Without having to be told.

So, please feel free to heed my advice and remove the head from your collective behinds and take a good long look at the mess you have made. And you better be figuring out a way to fix it. Like NOW.

Cheers Morons!

RDC

ps: Feel free to send me a letter of praise for leading you to the light. Also, gift cards are always appreciated--and actually preferred.

This one is also from April--and totally random.

Snack Time, Lemon Bars, and Full Frontal Male Nudity--does it get better??

Yumm...yes--snacks are a part of my day today. This makes me a happy girl.

Pineapple? Yes..and juicy fresh.

Strawberries? You betcha! And they are the size of large hail.

Various other healthy nibbles (apples, melon...etc) and then the good stuff: Lemon Bars!!

Okay. So I didn't go hog wild..and I only had one (Even though there were like 50 on the tray and someone would have thanked me. What do these haters have against delicious lemon bars? Hello! If we don't eat them..they just get thrown in the trash. I'm not even kidding. The amount of waste that goes on in foodservice turns my stomach sometimes. But not enough to say no to a lemon bar.) Needless to say..the spread for appreciation day is pretty nice this year.

So other than my delight over fruit..my day has been pretty hectic. Phone has been ringing off the hook...my e-mail boxes (yes. I have 3 I have to access just to do my job. geesh.) are chiming like every 30 seconds.

This all makes for a day that has been going pretty fast so far. Thank God. I stayed up a little late last night....but it was so worth it.

My new favorite movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Now..you prudes out there will have to get over your outrage of full frontal male nudity (there's never any girly bits shown...and it's about time the man junk got equal airplay!) it's so damn hilarious...I couldn't stop laughing. Especially at the beginning...is it wrong that I laughed so hard I fell off my couch when Peter got his heart ripped out of his chest whilst standing all nekid and vulnerable in his living room? Probably. But whatever. Again..hilarious. I will have to own this one...Jason Segel--I adore you and give props to your fabulous movie (not just a pretty face this one!)

Ah...here comes 2:00.

Over half way there....hopefully the ride home will be nice and easy.

Cake vs. Pie

I come from a family of pie lovers. As Dad says "I've never met an apple that shouldn't have been in a pie." Yes. We are that serious. You can joke around all you want about religion, politics, the pope--whatever. But pie? Hells no.

Perhaps as a child, this is why when any special occasions rolled around I, being a trouble maker even in my youth, would ask for cake. My mother would sigh, but she would pull out all the stops. There was the easter bunny cake one year (I may have been three--but I will remember that coconut covered rabbit until the day I die), the pink princess cake on my 5th birthday..the list goes on and on. Even more annoying for the rents? Cake is something they never would have picked-never even thought of as a treat for themselves. (With two exceptions. For my mother it would be a devils food cake covered in seven minute frosting alongside a concoction of canned mixed fruit-with cherries DAMN IT!--and diced up apples and bananas added before serving. And maybe, just maybe and orange. If you don't find this weird, you're either related to me or from the South. I've never seen this atrocity known in my family as "fruit salad" anywhere else. For my dad--it's Twinkies. Which technically IS cake. Well..sort of.)

But I digress.

I can see why I would be lured by the siren song of sugar coated sponge that is cake. It's pretty, it's got an air of "fancy" about it. I was always a sucker for fancy. Somethings, sadly, don't change.

However, any schlub can open a box of Betty Crocker, add two eggs and some oil, dump it in a pan, and coat it with store bought dough boy frosting. Now bakeries can make cakes that are works of art--beautiful enough to take your breath away, but the inside? Well it mostly tastes like a combination of cardboard and dog shit. Not much there to be impressed with, honestly. Show me a cake that takes 65 hours to make and I will guarantee you'll find a reception full of people who, after the first bite, will most assuredly utter "Well, it will look good in pictures, anyway...". The sad, broken looks on their faces? It's because that beautiful cake was nothing but a big tease. Frosting, you see, is like make-up. It covers up the flaws, like shitty flavor for one, and dried up old cake that nobody in their right mind would have (or should have) paid $4.00 a serving for if they had seen it before it was dressed up for it's big night out.

This brings me to that all American of yumminess: the pie. You think good pie is easy? Hah! Fool. Is it a lot of work? Not really. Finesse? In spades.

You know good pie by just by looking at it. We've all been to those gatherings where there is that sad looking little undercooked doughy looking "thing" left. Never even been cut. Why? Because you know it's not worth eating just by looking at it--that's why. Now..that one over there--the one with the gorgeous blueberry filling with the lattice crust? The one where you cut it and it holds together by some force of otherworldly magic and the berries burst in your mouth and fill your soul with delight? Now that's what I'm talking about. Lazy folk might have a runny filling--a big ole mess if you will. Not this girl. Oh noo. I've got more than a few pie tricks up my sleeve--but none of them are meant to deceive, but rather to enhance the joy that is fantastic pie. And there's not a dollop of frosting in sight. Ice cream? That's for stomaching that store bought crap--and this includes crappy ass too dry cake. (Unless, you are my father...this man will use any excuse possible to add ice cream to a meal. It's just part of his charm, really.)

Here's the thing with pie. There's no pretense. There's no surprise. What you see--well it's what you get.

But there's no accounting for taste. Some may still think they want the sugary, shitty, dried up facade that is the cake. People, people..when will you learn?? You will never be anything but disappointed. I would go so far as to say you may suffer heartache, even.

Go ahead. Laugh. But when it all comes down to it in the end: What will you have?

The cake? Or the Pie? The choice is yours....don't say you haven't been warned.