The indignity of disposable underpants

Um yes...you read correctly.

Today I am sporting some bruises (from a blown out vein), welts (from medical tape), and an altogether grumpy self.

All thanks to outpatient surgery.

And no, since I'm allergic to codeine, I have no good drugs, either. Just super-duper Ibuprofen. And it's not really touching squat at this point.

I won't bore you with the medical details of the 'why', but I can entertain you with the idiocy that ensues when I go anywhere.

I get to the hospital, check in, talk to the nurse and am told to disrobe and put on this purple (Sweet! My favorite color!) gown. That is giant. How giant? I wrapped it around me twice and tied it in the front...that's how giant. (And I'm not the smallest person on the planet kids..I've seen grown people much smaller than yours truly.) And blue no slip socks.

Blue? Wait a second.....this clashes with my purple gown. (And just by luck, I had on a purple headband, so from the knees up..I looked as put together as one could in hospital garb.) Not just clashes..it just looks stupid. Leave it to me to ask if there was another color of sock available.

Nope. Not kidding.

And nope. There weren't.

That's when the disposable underpants come into play.

And these, my friends, are truly GIANT. Like you could park a mack truck in these bad boys. But you gotta do what you gotta do, so on they went much to my chagrin.

Oh! And did I mention the blazing migraine headache that had been bouncing about in my skull since 6 am? That I couldn't take any medication for? Yea..that was awesome, too.

So my IV gets placed (twice...see above for that blown vein reference), I try to sleep for an hour (not) in a darkened room, but my head--oi! It wouldn't stop. Hospitals, it would seem, are NOT the place to go to get caught up on your rest. Thank god my anesthesiologist is a fellow migraine sufferer, and took pity on me. I got caffeine with my narcotics! This, people, is something I highly recommend. I woke up in a good mood, sans headache, and ready to go. No kidding! (This is much better than the last time when all I did was cry and pretty much punched a nurse in the face. Ooops...)

Well, sort of ready to go. I'm still feeling kind of icky, but I'll live. Trust me, I've felt WAY worse than this.

But the idea that perfect strangers saw me in mismatched hospital clothes and NO makeup (I wasn't even allowed mascara! Cruel, cruel people!!) with scary stretchy mesh underpants? That's the stuff my nightmares are made of!

What a way to end the week!

So.

I feel violated. Sooooo violated.

Some ass-hat stole my phone. From work. From right behind me.

Did I mention I was WORKING at the time. Stupid, stupid asshole.

The only good thing to come of this? My new replacement phone should be here no later than Tuesday. (Customer Loyalty still does get you some things...and even without insurance, I don't have to pay for a new phone.) That only leaves me driving one day to FC without my phone. (I really don't like to drive far without one. It has saved my cookies more than once!) The bad thing? I've lost all my numbers. All of them.

Which sucks butt.

Oh well. I guess I should be grateful they didn't go into the office and steal my wallet, too! And I deactivated  the phone, so it can't be used at all for anything. So ha ha sucker! And since that serial number has been reported as stolen, you can't pawn it either. Boo-yah.

Lesson learned--Trust no one.

Especially people in ill-fitting "dress" clothes.

All I wanted was an eye exam!

So yesterday, I headed after work to my insurance approved eye examiner.

Or so I thought.

I had even gone online before I went to make sure everything was kosher. I had provided them with my insurance info BEFORE my appointment.

When I get there--well--it was a clusterfuck of idiots. (Sorry--there is no nice way to say it!)

First, the girl tries to tell me that I only have a discount plan. (No. I have a discount plan AND full coverage for an eye exam. It's part of my insurance coverage.) She tries to argue with me, so I pull out my phone to call the insurance company...who agrees with me. And offers to call the girl and explain to her what paperwork needs to be done, etc.

In the mean time, I give another girl my glasses to adjust. I don't wear them very often, but because my last pair (hence, the visit to the eye place) of contacts have been bugging me, and because I expected to have someone poking about in my eyes, I just wore my glasses on Monday. They are kind of big on my face (not the lens part..but the sides..it was weird), and she tells me "Oh--that's an easy fix!"

Twenty five minutes later (and the insurance company calling multiple times...and them NEVER answering the damn phone~) the girl sheepishly (I'm guessing here..as I am totally blind without glasses or contacts) puts two pairs of glasses on the table.

One of them, would be mine.

And they would be snapped right in half.

What. The. Freak!

The second pair is a very, very ugly super square framed Vogue monstrosity with clear sides. Nothing I would EVER pick out for myself.

 And they now hold my lenses.

What. The. Freak.

She tells me they managed to get my lenses into the new frames since she broke my original pair of tortoiseshell (classic shape, classic style--which is WHY I BOUGHT THEM)...and they won't charge me for these new frames.

You are damn right you not charging me for those ugly ass glasses.

And I didn't even get my exam.

Nope. Sure didn't.

The breaking of my glasses was the straw that broke this camel's back. I told them I would contact my insurance company and re-schedule my exam..but that I was not going to pay 150.00 for something that is free to me because I already pay for it by having health insurance.

And no, actually. I'm not going back there. Ever.

So I guess the hunt is one for a new insurance approved place to go to ASAP.

Or I'll get one of those creepy eye cruds and will be blind forever!

Miracles! They do happen (or how a so-so day turned AWESOME!)

Well...do wonders never cease?

No. They do not.

The day was fairly ho-hum (with the exception of Bret Michaels being on the cover of People this week...what would reality TV have done without him? Be grateful kids...seriously!). On the way home from work, I had to stop off and do some Wedding and Mother's Day shopping (Done!! Check that off the list!). So I'm driving towards home on 465..and what do I see?

A squirrel.

A running squirrel.

A running squirrel crossing three lanes of traffic moving at 65 + miles per hour.

A running squirrel WHO MADE IT ACROSS ALL THREE LANES! His little tail was haulin it! Me, being the superstitious girl that I am, took it as a good omen. May the force be with you little squirrel...you've earned it!

So after witnessing this miracle, as I was strolling through the aisles of Wal-Mart (not my first choice most days--but I'm a fan of shopping off the registry. Get people what they want and there is no awkward, lying through the teeth of "Oh--a crystal ashtray held up on a stand of naked woodland nymphs. How did you know that is EXACTLY what we needed?") I also needed some milk, so I strolled towards the grocery aisle...

And that's where I saw them.

Are you ready for this? Cause I sure wasn't. Be still my heart, but what did my eye spy sitting on a shelf like a little gift from the universe?

Oreos. But not just any Oreos. Oreos filled with OREO BLIZZARD CREAM!

Holy shit..I think I could have died of happiness right then and there. Now, I'm not usually a cookie buyer (not a sweets person, really), but Oreos? And Blizzards? Shut up. I'm powerless to resist the call of these little delights. And trust me people--they are all you could hope for and more. I'm just sad that one serving of these little angels is only two cookies. But I was good...I only ate three (hey--I'm not made of stone!).

So I get home and unload my booty, haul it up the stairs and what's waiting for me?

Why a little gift from Amazon.com! Jen Lancaster's newest book, My Fair Lazy!



Oh!! Happy piglet am I! I think I squealed. A lot.

I have no shame.

The only hard part about this?

I'm going to save it for a little bit later in the month...so I can enjoy it properly.


And I might even have some Oreos left to go with it! Joy of joys : )