Everyday I commute. Everyday, for almost five years I have driven approximately 90 miles a day Mon-Fri. This is not only financially draining, but it also has caused me to pass harsh judgments on people because of the 1) types of cars they drive and 2) the types of plates they put on their cars.
I hate being this way--but stereotypes exist for a reason. Because there is more than a bit of truth involved. I ride in a half ton, partially steel, potential death trap hurtling 70 mph down the interstate. Trust me, I want to be aware of my surroundings. And what potentially may fly off of your POS with the hazard blinkers on.
So---I have to start with:
People who drive Hummers--yeah. They ARE assholes. Go figure! And they usually have personalized plates. In Indiana, where this costs a premium, having personalized plates pretty much also guarantees that you are, in fact, an asshole. Especially when they only make sense to the person driving the car. They are like weird word games, these stupid plates. And I suck at word games. Probably why I loathe these so much.
And why are people still driving Hummers, anyway? You might as well use your cash money for fuel. No--really. Just put a big pile of it in your fireplace...and burn it. Much more cost effective. And I hear money gives off such a nice homey glow when in burns. Hmm...pretty.
(please note: you can replace Hummer with any of the following make of vehicle: Porshe, Maserati, Ferrari, vintage Mustang, Giant Dodge Diesel trucks with Hemis, and oddly enough, Infinity)
I also am weary of anyone who has parts of their car taped on (yes--you read that right. Taped. On.) who insist on getting on the interstate. I'm sorry, if you are that poor, should you really be driving? I'm sure you have friends you could ride with.
Oh wait. Parts of your car are taped on. I bet I am so very wrong about you having friends....sorry!
And if you have a pick up--please, please, please--check in the back every once and while. While I really do enjoy the occasional shit bath my car gets from your garbage flying out of the back of your truck, I really could live with out it. It's just too special of a treat for you to share with a perfect stranger. No. Really. You should hold onto that for yourself.
My next peeve...those ridiculous "Kids First" plates. Give these (mostly ladies) wide berth on the road. You see, they are far too busy talking on their cell phones, facebooking, or just otherwise ignoring the children in the back of the car who are drooling like zombies to some Disney film they've seen for the ten thousandth time. (Why have kids if you don't talk to them? Or engage them one on one? I understand sometimes these innovations come in handy--but you know what? I actually remember my parents talking to me in the car when I was a kid. And road trips--we *gasp* played games! Or I read a book--which is way better for the development of your kid's brain, anyway. Yes! Even picture books are BETTER THAN TV. And if they whine? Well...last time I checked, smacking your kid wasn't illegal. Yet. Enjoy it while it lasts.)
Oh! And those kids aren't the only people these classy ladies are ignoring. These soul-less mombots also are ignoring YOU. They don't care if you have the right away--they have to confirm their manicure, their pilates class, summer sleep away camp for the monsters in the back....something is more important that actually driving. I sometimes imagine they think they've been teleported, crossover and all, to their final destination. I've actually had to lay on my horn (Which I now cannot do---because the fuse has been removed to save me from my neighbors murdering me at 3 am when the damn alarm goes off...again. And again. And again.) when I was almost backed into--but I was the one who had to throw it in reverse and pray there was no one behind me to keep from getting hit. She didn't look. I was right in my disgust (and right of way). She flipped me the bird and screamed the C word out of her window. And yes--her cherubs were right there in the backseat.
Next: In God We Trust plates.
You. You people. Let me tell you something...so listen up.
You believe in God? Yeah for you! Guess what?
He's not in the car with you. What does this mean? It means you should maybe use your turn signal, look before you merge, pay attention to what lane you are actually driving in, wear your seat belt, make sure your kids are in car seats, know that RED means STOP, not speed up, and learn how in the hell a four way stop works before I start packing heat under my front seat to nudge you along. You see, I'm a lot of things, but omniscient isn't one of them. Ha--probably because I'm not God. And you are so lucky that I am not. These people, hands down, are the WORST drivers on the road. I've said it before--and I'm saying it again. And I will keep saying it until I am as blue as the license plate on the back of their cars. Be aware of these people! It's like common sense gets sucked right out of their heads when they get behind the wheel of the car. And the number of them that I see flipping the bird, running people off roads, and just causing accidents in general? I'm thinking someone might want to require proof of belief before they are allowed to take the plates. They're giving you guys a bad name--for real.
And don't even get me started on some of the others...let me put it this way: want to spread a message?
Get a bumper sticker!
My favorite:
Now that's a message I can get behind!
So, today, I leave to drive to see my buddy Brit in Iowa.
. No really--read it! It's a fun book for summer. And the author is really cool. I kind of sort of met him when he talked about this book at the IMHM: 
.
. This book is so good! Space travel + astronaut food + porn movies made in "space"?? Seriously. Read. This. Book.