The Mystery of the Disappearing TP

Yup. You SO read that correctly.

And it is a mystery...not exactly like trying to figure out the Sphinx, but still....

Disappearing. Toilet. Paper??

So here is the deal, or rather, the question: How much TP do seven adults use in one day?

The answer is two of these bad boys:

 

So we aren't talking single ply super cheap nasty toilet paper (like you would find in most gas stations or employer bathrooms, actually now that I think about it...). This is cooshy two ply..with ridges! (I don't get it, but feel free to try to explain why my toilet paper needs ridges? Ruffles need ridges...paper for my bum does not.)

And you know what else is going to blow your mind? There are only TWO ladies that work in this ENTIRE building (and YES, smart ass, I am one of them). So...men are using this much? Wait. I thought boys didn't care about this stuff as much as girls do? Trust me..I've dated enough to have experienced it all...everything from stolen gas station toilet paper to Taco Bell napkins...and please--feel free to let your skin crawl here.

So. Does age have something to do with this? Older men have realized hygiene and comfort are not just things for women?

Huh.

Well...if that's true, I guess I understand why all these 20 year old girls want to date men old enough to be their fathers. There's not a chance you'll have to scrounge around under the sink looking for something, anything, to take care of business in a strange man's house (is there anything worse?) I bet once they hit 40, fellas even have extra rolls stored under their sinks.

Just like a good boy should.

Letter to myself...

Do you ever stumble across something that is sort of an epiphany of sorts? Something that makes you sit up and take notice and pay attention?

I've had one of those moments. Not anything super deep---just horrifying.

So I wrote myself a letter to read five years down the road. Why am I sharing it with you? Because I want it to stick! I'm not sharing all of it (you would die of boredom--and you aren't my therapist), just the bits and pieces I like the best. So..here you go--enjoy:


Health:

Are you going to the dentist twice a year? I know those bastards at the ADA are trying to say once a year is enough, but I cry bullshit. Clean teeth are happy teeth. Especially since you are probably still paying for dental insurance out of pocket. Unless you are married to some nice man who is willing to share his insurance with you. (If that's not a definition of true love, I don't know what is.)

Speaking of teeth--kitties need clean teeth, too. Don't be cheap. Take them to vet! Your nose will thank you for this.

And please, please tell me you are finally scooping the litter box every day? (Hey! I can dream, can't I?)

Same goes with the annual exam. I'm totally cool with you skipping out on a mammogram until 40--but downstairs? Well..it needs to be inspected every year--American Cancer Society be damned.

Relationships

Well--the most important one is with yourself...so....are you happy? (Remember--you shouldn't lie to yourself!)

If not? Do something about it. NOW.

Are you co-habitating yet? If not--whatever. I know it's a hard idea for you to wrap your head around, but if you are--be nice. Don't mock or make fun. Unless it's totally called for. Men have egos that need to be pampered. (Big effing babies.) But if you are? He better be putting away the laundry. If he doesn't do this simple task? Kick him to the curb--he's worthless. You can do better.

Okay--babies. Are there babies? If there are--well--sister how far you've come. Just remember the cardinal rule: ONE and done. There are enough unwanted, undertaken care of welfare babies out there to make having more than one child a terrfying thought. Want a bigger family? Adopt. Save a kid from a horrible situation (IE crappy parents) and make the world a little bit of a better place : )

Also--you are not your child's friend. They don't earn that privilege with you until they 1) have a high school diploma 2) pay taxes 3) pay rent, bills, buy their own food 4) have moved OUT of your house and have NO financial dependence on you what so ever. Once all these obligations have been met--then--you may begin to establish your new role in this fully functioning adult's life...but not before. It's bad news bears if you do. Look around. *Shudder* You know this is the right thing to do.

Job
A precious lesson--life is too short to be treated like crap. Work is what you love to do--so if you aren't happy where you work? Find someplace new. You spend too much time there to hang around to be miserable. Playing it safe isn't always the best thing for your health....


It does go on from here...but that's really all that's cool to share for now. I think it's relatively sound advice--don't you?

Who knows..five years from now I could be living beach side in Spain because I've won the lottery. This means I will have lots of botox, a super hot Spanish boy-toy, and people to do my laundry AND scoop the cat boxes....

I'm leaving right now to buy tickets. That just sounds too good to be true!

Roll with the Changes, yo!

No worries--I haven't run away with REO Speedwagon...

(Whoa. Who just dated herself. Did I really just reference REO Speedwagon? Crikey.)

I've been in my new job now for almost a month...and?

I LOVE it. Love my morning commute (5 mins), I adore working in an office full of men (Get your mind out of the gutter....these guys don't censor themselves, that's all I mean. Walk by an office and you may hear a veritable bouquet of profanity. People? I'm home.), there are donuts on Friday, conversations about music, literature, cars, and yard care over lunch....just a really nice place to be. I look forward to coming here everyday. I have my office mostly set up, and I'm almost fluent in the accounting system...all in all? A leaving my old life behind? A very good thing indeed.

So that's pretty much it....except I'm trying to garden cheap this year (I bought seeds! And a starter thingy! IF my bluebonnets grow? I'll share pics for sure and will be so excited I won't be able to stand it, I'm sure), revamp the house on the fly, repaint the whole shebang, get sucked back in to TV (Bones is back tonight...and? I don't care how "sqaure" he gets..it would take a whole lot of evil to make me want to break up with Don Draper), and...well. That's it in a nut shell.

Hopefully with the warming of the weather, I will find myself getting into all kinds of shenanigans...because let's be realistic..it is ME after all!